I didn't ask to be assaulted. I didn't ask for these painful, lifelong scars. I didn't ask for any of this. Nobody asks for this.
I was only six or seven years old when the sexual abuse started. I didn't know what sex was, I thought sex was Barbie and Ken lying in bed together. I didn't know I was being exposed to sex at such a young age; this was something grown ups did when they were in love. I didn't know it was wrong, I thought it was normal in family dynamics. I didn't know I was being groomed by a predator. I learned quickly what the biological differences are between boys and girls are. I learned more about my body than I should've at that tender age. Nobody told me that this monster of a crime existed and that it preyed on young children.
-Nobody knows that the abuse affected my emotional growth. I regressed, had tantrums, cried over the smallest things. I was a child that struggled to grow up. To this day, I still don't emotionally connect to my adult age, I still feel like a 15 year old.
-Nobody knows that I have trouble trusting men. I didn't want to date, I was scared of getting assaulted again, and there's always a part of me that's scared of being abused again. I see all of them as threats, all wanting me for one thing only.
-Nobody knows that I'm horribly insecure. In high school, I hated the body I was in. I felt dirty and disgusting, I didn't want to be the abused body I was in. I used to wear makeup to bed, anything to feel pretty again.
-Nobody knows that I feel used. Everything he said to me were lies, he didn't love me. His so-called affections and presents were all a cheap facade. He violated me and made me hate the body I'm trapped in. He was nice to me when he wanted something, got done with me when he wanted. In this sick, twisted relationship I was in, he was the only one getting the true satisfaction, a little lamb being brainwashed by the big bad wolf.
-Nobody knows I suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. You're trapped in a war zone, a war zone in your mind that gets replayed when you least expect. Everyday is a battle, and there are days you feel like raising the white flag.
-Nobody knows I still have nightmares. Losing sleep, you also lose your escape, even your escape is dangerous. I can still feel his hands in my sleep, even when the abuse ended years ago. You never want to feel those hands again, but like Lady Macbeth, you'll never feel clean again.
-Nobody knows I'm scared of having children. I don't want this to happen to them. It's hard to trust the world.
-Nobody knows how embarrassing sexual abuse is. It's my shame even though it wasn't my fault. Somehow you blame yourself for someone else's evil doing. You're afraid of being judged. You're afraid of victim blaming.
-Nobody knows that your life is never the same after the abuse ends. You look at life differently and you have scars nobody can see. You forget what life is like before it all happened, you miss the innocence and purity. You never get over it, but you learn to live with it.
-Nobody knows I'm a survivor, not a victim. My abuse was not my fault. I'm taking back my life. I won.