It comes in waves and sometimes they are not calm soothing ripples in an endless ocean. They are tsunami’s of emotion that drown my thoughts. I feel everything and nothing all at once, and it is hard to differentiate between what is real and what is in my head. Sometimes, I can’t drown out the voices no matter how loud I blast my music. I have a hard time sleeping at night because my mind races a mile a minute. I second guess myself all the time, as doubt plays on repeat and I start to question what the future will look like. I am my own worst critic and I hide behind an “I’m fine” because it is easier than trying to explain what I am feeling and what I am going through. Sometimes I don’t even understand it so how could I possibly put it into words to try to explain it to someone else?

So many people are unaware of how much mental illnesses can impact someone’s life and I think part of the reason is because we never learned about them in school growing up. They taught lessons on the pythagorean theory, the bones of the skeletal system, haikus, and how to structure an essay but we never learned how to deal with mental illnesses or how to help someone who is dealing with it. Society makes mental illnesses seem like such a light subject which doesn’t help. Society makes it seem acceptable to say things like “Oh, that person just wants attention,” or “Some people have it worse,” or “Why are you sad? You have so many things to be thankful for.”

The fact that people think mental illness is a conscious choice is sad and proves how little they know about it. Telling someone with depression to cheer up is basically like telling someone with asmtha to breathe. It’s not just a switch we can turn on and off and suddenly everything will be okay. The problem with saying this to someone who is struggling is that they might start to feel guilty about feeling depressed and question what is wrong with themselves. They didn't chose to feel this way and they don’t want to be trapped in their own mind. Just because someone has everything they need in life does not mean their life is perfect and they should every second of the day.

Anxiety and depression go hand in hand. Anxiety is caring too much and overthinking every detail. Depression is not caring at all and losing interest, will, and motivation to carry out basic everyday tasks. Having both anxiety and depression is one of the hardest struggles. It is a constant contradiction and battle between my mind and my heart. It makes the smallest decisions seem like such a big deal. It is getting stressed out about your homework piling up but not knowing where to start. It is making so many to-do lists just to untangle your thoughts and knowing your probably won’t get around to any of it. It is knowing you have to do laundry and clean your room but continuing to put it off saying, “I’ll do it tomorrow.” It is staying in bed because you don’t have the energy to get up for the day but unraveling at the realization that you might miss class.

It is overanalyzing your grades but not having the motivation to focus. It is constantly checking the time but knowing you are going to show up late. It is feeling helpless and afraid of being alone but making no effort to talk to people. It is ignoring messages and turning down invitations but feeling empty and left out when you realize you aren’t there. It is being afraid that people will get sick of you and leave but also thinking to yourself that you understand if they do because you feel like a mess. It is thinking about your bed all day but when you finally get back in bed for the night it takes you hours upon hours to fall asleep because your mind won’t shut down.

It is wanting to be successful but feeling like you won’t make it. It is wanting to be proactive but watching an episode of Grey’s instead. It is needing a break from your mind but not being able to climb out of the pit of your thoughts. It is wondering if the heaviness you feel is an illusion your mind made up or if it is real. Although my mind is always busy, I’ve found that meditation, breathing exercises, and yoga can really help you relax, even if it’s for a little while. Also, having a strong support system really helps. Knowing you have people to turn to and talk to if you need it is a reassuring thought.