It’s been a couple of years now since I had my experiences at boot camp. Two years ago, around this same time of the year actually, I was sent home from Navy boot camp due to an error in documentation. I had needed a waiver for scoliosis, and I suppose up until I was sent home, the folks in charge thought that I had that waiver with my information. How else would I have found myself there in the first place? Technically, I shouldn’t have gotten as far as boot camp without the waiver. Anyhow, that is how I came to find myself being told, three days from graduation, that without that waiver, I would have to be separated from the Navy. I would have to go home and would have to wait six months before even thinking of coming back, and if I did, I would have to start it all over again.

It was devastating. To make it through two months of training, to be so close to the reward at the end, only to be told that it was all for naught. I had to call my dad and tell him that I wouldn’t be graduating so that my family wouldn’t fly to Chicago for nothing. I was so disappointed and ashamed of myself, even though it wasn’t really anyone’s fault. I felt like a failure and it was so hard to have to come back home to the small town I wanted so desperately to leave, to see everyone that I had said goodbye to two months prior.

I decided to go to school instead of trying to go back to the military -- for a few reasons. The main one I stuck to was that if they could so easily dispose of me over such a simple fix, then I probably shouldn’t depend on the military as a reliable career path. I think another subconscious reason was fear that I would fail again -- that it wouldn’t work out again. Even after making this decision though, I kept missing the lifestyle and kept having trouble adjusting back to civilian life (yes, even though it was only two months of boot camp and not any real military experience). I think something that made matters harder was that my high school sweetheart had also gone into the military when I did, but he made it and I didn’t, and we decided to get married, and I was living in the face of what it would have been like had I succeeded (we were both assigned the same rate). I struggled with jealousy over the fact that he was able to continue on (a jealousy that has thankfully since passed).

Despite all this anguish, I did take some positive things from my experience. It was the first time in my life that I have had to really push myself -- harder than just meeting the status quo. It was not the first time that I had to be mentally and emotionally strong, but it was the first time that I had to do so without having someone else to lean on because we had no contact with family or friends from home for most of boot camp. I had to learn how to be truly self-sufficient. I had to learn how to do my best and keep my wits in completely unfamiliar situations, like keeping calm while having to do a dead man’s float for an extended period of time with large clusters of other people all bumping into me, or like experiencing tear gas and knowing that I was going to have to experience tear gas and mentally preparing myself for that.

I was expected to carry my fair share and was not given any kind of special treatment for being female, which is something that happens more frequently in the civilian world than I had previously realized. For example, everyone had to carry all of their equipment/supplies while marching to our "ships." I honestly wasn’t sure if I was going to make it –- I don’t know exactly how heavy it was, but it all fit into something called a seabag, which, when stuffed full, was almost as tall as me. However, I had to carry it. Some guy didn’t offer or step in to help me, which is inevitably what happens, or so I have found when girls appear to be struggling with anything physical in the civilian world.

Most importantly, after doing these things, after completing these difficult tasks that I was unsure that I could complete, I gained a self-confidence that I had never had before. I learned more about how resilient I can be and I learned about having a good work ethic.

In retrospect, I also realized that in forcing myself way out of my comfort zone, into a completely unfamiliar situation, I opened myself to a whole lot of personal growth. And had I not at least tried, I might still be in that small town right now, wasting my time at a dead-end job. Instead, I moved to a completely new city where I knew absolutely no one, enrolled in college, got a job. And while it has been hard and often very lonely, I love the College of Charleston and what I have learned while here. I love my job and I’ve made a few wonderful friends. None of that would have happened had I not gone to boot camp and been irrevocably changed.

Perhaps not all of these changes are positive, but I think that one rarely walks away from life experiences with only positive outcomes. I suppose the best scenario is to find a way to make the most of any given situation. I do not believe that things happen for a reason. I don’t think there is one destined path for anyone in life. I think it is up to me to find meaning and figure out what I am happy doing, and I don’t think that there is one holy grail type situation that would be better than all others. In any case, I do not regret my time at boot camp, nor do I feel that it was wasted, despite not completing it and not ending up in the military.