Today, I picked out my Great Grandmother's casket.
I picked out the interior; white lace with a medallion that says, "Loving Mom," and I froze.
Today, I watched those who love her, travel from all over to see her one last time. And those who claimed they do, never showed.
I watched her suffer. Like she was suffocating. I grabbed her hand with a room full of talking people, and whispered in her ear, so no one would hear me "It's ok for you to let go Mama. We will be ok." -no response but a tear down her cheek.
I recorded a second of my day since the beginning of the year using the IPhone App '1 Second Everyday'. I was working in almost every single one of them. I watched the clips over and over again, and realized how I was 20 years old with so many unfinished selves. I realized how much I have missed out on because I always put my career, education, and work before anything.
I watched the videos and thought about my brothers; how all I did was blink, but before I knew it they were all grown up.
I watched the videos and thought about my mother; how much she loves. I watched her carry my Great Grandmother; how she would break her own back but always thought about everyone except for herself. How she would bathe my Great Grandmother, brush her hair and remind her of stories of when they were younger.
I thought about my father; how selfless he is. How, despite how little he shows affection, he has the biggest heart. I thought about how much of a man he is, for giving up so much 14 years ago and said to my mother, "Bring your Grandparents here to live with us." How he cried when he couldn't revive my Great Grandpa with CPR on his last day on earth. I thought about how he drives my Grandmother around, and takes care of our home. How I don't tell him, but he is the hero he always wanted me to see him as.
I thought about my Godmother; how she was alone when they diagnosed her with Breast Cancer. How sick she was and all the moments I wasn't able to be there for her.
I learned so much from just one second a day. I learned that there is so much more in life than a good career and a paycheck at the end of the week. Because we wake up and get dressed in clothes that you buy for work and drive through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live.
I learned that family is always what matters most.