Today could have been the anniversary of my death. Today was the day I almost went against God’s will and almost tried to take my own life. I never had a plan to do it. I never wrote a suicide note. I never wrote a letter to the people I love explaining why I didn’t want to live anymore.
On this night, two years ago, I let my demons get to me and let them convince me that the life I had wasn’t worth living anymore.
It was the day after Halloween and I had been alone in my dorm room all day. I just started college a couple months before all of this happened and it was my first time living on my own. I learned a lot from living by myself, but constantly being alone didn’t help the thoughts I was already thinking. At that time, I only had one friend on campus and I barely got to see my friends from home or my boyfriend. My mind was tricking me into thinking I didn’t have anybody and that the people around me at school didn’t understand me. I was just always thinking they didn’t understand why I couldn’t do a lot of things myself or why I had to do some things differently because of my disability. I thought this made them not want to talk to me and ignore me when I would try to be friendly towards them. Throughout my life, I’ve had moments where I hated my disability and wish I didn’t have it, but this time was different.
I was starting to think I was a burden to my family, friends and my boyfriend. It was like all of the moments I had hating my disability were hitting me all at once. I hated the fact that I needed help to do so many things. I hated that some days I was too weak to even push my chair. I hated that I was struggling to breathe each day because my disease was slowly weakening my ability to do it. And hours before I made my almost suicide attempt, I was even starting to think that the people I loved were better without me here.
I felt like nothing would ever get better. I wanted to be in a place where I wouldn’t be suffering anymore.
My belief in God is the only reason I’m still here.
I was never supposed to make it past the age of seven because of my disease. But God has kept me on this earth for so long, I didn’t want to let go of the gift He has given me. I thought that maybe He has kept me here for a reason and I still don’t know what that reason is, but the past few months I’ve experienced something I never thought I would.
In August, I started the first ever treatment for my disease. It’s called Spinraza and it’s an injection that I get in my spine. I’ve already gotten four doses so far and I’m supposed to get it the rest of my life. This is something that I’ve only ever dreamed about happening. I always thought that if there was ever going to a medicine that would help me, I wasn’t going to be here to see it.
This past couple of months have shown me that miracles really do happen and that things can get better. Each time I realize I’m getting stronger, I get this feeling I’ve never felt before in my life. It’s a feeling of complete bliss. I’m realizing my dreams are starting to become my reality and I’ve never felt so much love in my life. I finally feel the love that God has for me and a love for the life I have. I had to completely break before getting this miracle, but that has made me appreciate it so much more.
If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, just know that things really can get better. Even if you don’t believe in God, try to think about everything that you have in your life. And even if the darkness is hanging over you and it seems like nothing will get better, don’t give up. Anything can happen in this life. You just have to be patient and ride out the storm until the light comes through.
Once you find the life you have always wanted, the darkness will never find you again.