What It’s Like To Feel At Peace After Being Suicidal

What It’s Like To Feel At Peace After Being Suicidal

Once you find the life you have always wanted, the darkness will never find you again.

Today could have been the anniversary of my death. Today was the day I almost went against God’s will and almost tried to take my own life. I never had a plan to do it. I never wrote a suicide note. I never wrote a letter to the people I love explaining why I didn’t want to live anymore.

On this night, two years ago, I let my demons get to me and let them convince me that the life I had wasn’t worth living anymore.

It was the day after Halloween and I had been alone in my dorm room all day. I just started college a couple months before all of this happened and it was my first time living on my own. I learned a lot from living by myself, but constantly being alone didn’t help the thoughts I was already thinking. At that time, I only had one friend on campus and I barely got to see my friends from home or my boyfriend. My mind was tricking me into thinking I didn’t have anybody and that the people around me at school didn’t understand me. I was just always thinking they didn’t understand why I couldn’t do a lot of things myself or why I had to do some things differently because of my disability. I thought this made them not want to talk to me and ignore me when I would try to be friendly towards them. Throughout my life, I’ve had moments where I hated my disability and wish I didn’t have it, but this time was different.

I was starting to think I was a burden to my family, friends and my boyfriend. It was like all of the moments I had hating my disability were hitting me all at once. I hated the fact that I needed help to do so many things. I hated that some days I was too weak to even push my chair. I hated that I was struggling to breathe each day because my disease was slowly weakening my ability to do it. And hours before I made my almost suicide attempt, I was even starting to think that the people I loved were better without me here.

I felt like nothing would ever get better. I wanted to be in a place where I wouldn’t be suffering anymore.

My belief in God is the only reason I’m still here.

I was never supposed to make it past the age of seven because of my disease. But God has kept me on this earth for so long, I didn’t want to let go of the gift He has given me. I thought that maybe He has kept me here for a reason and I still don’t know what that reason is, but the past few months I’ve experienced something I never thought I would.

In August, I started the first ever treatment for my disease. It’s called Spinraza and it’s an injection that I get in my spine. I’ve already gotten four doses so far and I’m supposed to get it the rest of my life. This is something that I’ve only ever dreamed about happening. I always thought that if there was ever going to a medicine that would help me, I wasn’t going to be here to see it.

This past couple of months have shown me that miracles really do happen and that things can get better. Each time I realize I’m getting stronger, I get this feeling I’ve never felt before in my life. It’s a feeling of complete bliss. I’m realizing my dreams are starting to become my reality and I’ve never felt so much love in my life. I finally feel the love that God has for me and a love for the life I have. I had to completely break before getting this miracle, but that has made me appreciate it so much more.

If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, just know that things really can get better. Even if you don’t believe in God, try to think about everything that you have in your life. And even if the darkness is hanging over you and it seems like nothing will get better, don’t give up. Anything can happen in this life. You just have to be patient and ride out the storm until the light comes through.

Once you find the life you have always wanted, the darkness will never find you again.

Cover Image Credit: Pxhere

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The Trump Presidency Is Over

Say hello to President Mike Pence.


Remember this date: August 21, 2018.

This was the day that two of President Donald Trump's most-important associates were convicted on eight counts each, and one directly implicated the president himself.

Paul Manafort was Trump's campaign chairman for a few months in 2016, but the charges brought against him don't necessarily implicate Trump. However, they are incredibly important considering was is one of the most influential people in the Trump campaign and picked Mike Pence to be the vice presidential candidate.

Manafort was convicted on five counts of tax fraud, two counts of bank fraud, and one count of failure to file a report of a foreign bank account. And it could have been even worse. The jury was only unanimous on eight counts while 10 counts were declared a mistrial.

Michael Cohen, Trump's personal lawyer, told a judge that Trump explicitly instructed him to break campaign-finance laws by paying two women not to publicly disclose the affairs they had with Trump. Those two women are believed to be Karen McDougal, a Playboy model, and Stormy Daniels, a pornstar. Trump had an affair with both while married to his current wife, Melania.

And then to no surprise, Fox News pundits spun this in the only way they know how. Sara Carter on Hannity said that the FBI and the Department of Justice are colluding as if it's some sort of deep-state conspiracy. Does someone want to tell her that the FBI is literally a part of the DOJ?

The Republican Party has for too long let Trump get away with criminal behavior, and it's long past time to, at the very least, remove Mr. Trump from office.

And then Trump should face the consequences for the crimes he has committed. Yes, Democrats have a role, too. But Republicans have control of both chambers of Congress, so they head every committee. They have the power to subpoena Trump's tax returns, which they have not. They have the power to subpoena key witnesses in their Russia investigations, which they have not.

For the better part of a year I have been asking myself what is the breaking point with Republicans and Trump. It does not seem like there is one, so for the time being we're stuck with a president who paid off two women he had an affair with in an attempt to influence a United States election.

Imagine for a second that any past president had done even a fraction of what Trump has.

Barack Obama got eviscerated for wearing a tan suit. If he had affairs with multiple women, then Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell would be preparing to burn him at the stake. If they won't, then Trump's enthusiastic would be more than happy to do so.

For too long we've been saying that Trump is heading down a road similar to Nixon, but it's evident now that we're way past that point. Donald Trump now has incriminating evidence against him to prove he's a criminal, and Special Counsel Robert Mueller is just getting started.

Will Trump soften the blow and resign in disgrace before impeachment like Nixon did? Knowing his fragile ego, there's honestly no telling what he'll do. But it's high time Trump leaves an office he never should have entered in the first place.

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An Escape Raft From Trump

How a declaration of resistance is really a plot to escape blame


How does a person come back from being part of a great injustice? I'm not talking about how a person recovers from being a victim of a great wrong, nor am I referring to the process of judging those who perpetrated the act. No, what I want to know is how those who aide and abet such actions, those who collaborate and stand idly by, come back into the fold of civilized society without being held to account.

A few weeks ago there was an anonymous Op-Ed in the New York Times from a senior White House official. The piece caused a great stir because it alleged a great conspiracy within the president's administration by even its most senior members to thwart the worst impulses of the president and keep the nation on a relatively sane track. Much of the coverage has focused on trying to identify the author of this controversial piece or praising those brave souls in the administration who are a part of the resistance. I was among this crowd until I started reading a bit further about this article and what it represented. With that further exploration I came to realize that what I took for a reassuring statement to the American public was actually something much more sinister.

How does a person come back from being part of a great injustice? This is the question that is currently haunting the leaders of the Republican Party as they grapple with the Trump presidency and the taint it casts upon their party. As the increasingly impending likelihood that Democrats will take back Congress and ramp up investigations, not only into Trump himself, but also the upper echelons of his administration and even members of Congress, Republicans are searching for any way to avoid blame before this impending storm of controversy and negative stigma hits.

This is where the op-ed and its cynical ploy comes in to play. While I have little doubt that there is a faction in the White House that attempts to curb the president to some degree, I do not for a moment believe it could be called a resistance or the actions of so-called 'adults in the room.' The point of the Op-Ed was not to give voice to this faction, but to control the narrative of Republicans in the White House, to tell a story about otherwise good people who work for this horrible man, but do it because they are preventing someone worse from coming along and doing something really bad. It's a convincing tale all things considered and its been proven to work in the past. Clichéd as it is to bring up Nazis with the Trump administration, in this particular case it fits, many Nazis after the war told tales of honorable Germans who were only doing things out of their patriotic duty and with the belief that if they didn't carry out orders someone else much worse would. It was convincing enough that thousands of former Nazis never received any meaningful form of punishment and lived out the rest of their days never having to atone for their participation in some of the greatest crimes in human history.

The thing about the 'preventing worse things from happening' argument both then and now is that it is complete and utter B.S. Many Germans knew what the Nazis were doing was wrong the same way as many Republicans know what Trump is doing is wrong, they just don't care because it gets them what they want, which is usually power. After some initial hesitation, Republicans were all too eager to embrace Trump and what he represented like moths to a racist, sexist flame. They endorsed and stood by him on the campaign trail even as his behavior set new lows for conduct, as his supporters unlashed a new hatful undercurrent into the party, and as shocking allegations about his personal conduct came out. Even as president when his capacity to lead has been shown on numerous occasions to be insufficient for the office, and his past activities are being revealed as startlingly criminal in nature, they stand by and affirm their support until the end.

Such stubborn loyalty might be commendable if it wasn't to such a horrible man who does such horrible things, except for that fact that it is illusionary. Republicans loyalty to Trump only lasts as far as it brings them power. And now that Trump's star is starting to fall and the voters are preparing to make their displeasure clear at the ballot box, they are seeking to distance themselves from him as fast as possible. The op-ed is simply the first step, to introduce the idea that Republicans were never that invested in Trump in the first place and were always present in opposing him, just not in any open or accountable way. They hope that their efforts coupled with the public's intense dislike of Trump and his close cohorts will allow history to repeat itself and they can get away scot free without their involvement ever coming to light.

We as the American people need to stop this narrative right here at the start and recognize it for what it is, a cynical ploy by a bunch of greedy, corrupt cowards trying to save their own skin as their boss takes the fall. We cannot allow them to succeed in this; we cannot allow them to escape justice. In the name of all those that have been harmed by this administration, in honor of all that has been endangered by their lust for power, they must be held accountable.

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