Today I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day. I decided to go through my Google Picture Drive, where I archive all of my old pictures to free some space on my phone. From junior year to just yesterday, there are countless amounts of photos and videos. As I scrolled through them, vividly remembering the whole story of why each was taken, I started feeling sad instead of happy.
Why was I frowning remembering such happy memories?
I realized that all my life, I have never once fully felt like I belonged anywhere. I know other people can relate to this feeling, and it's truly a sucky one. You can go anywhere and do the most and still feel at the end of the day like you're in the wrong place or with the wrong people.
In elementary school, I always tried to mingle with everyone, being a new student and new to the area. I wasn't sure where I would fit in, what classes I would be in, or who I would vibe with. Most people know their friend group right away the second they walk through the doors in first grade, as crazy as that sounds. You go to this one school with the same people from first to twelfth grade most of the time, so you develop friendships quickly.
Walking in three grades after all of that already went down, it's like walking onto a stage in front of a crowd of people and waiting to see how they react to you...You're behind the game. Some people like you, some don't, and sadly, some pretend to until it's convenient for them. I remember trying to fit into so many groups, being judged, and then just walking off and finding other people who were alone like me.
As a little kid, as well as a new person in the state, it feels horrible to not belong.
I jumped around to different groups a lot in high school. I was friends with the 'populars,' the people from band, the people into art, and just other people that I loved talking to— people who had no stereotypical label. However, until I found my handful of solid friends, I couldn't help feeling like wherever I turned I was in the wrong direction. It felt like I wasn't happy and like someone was always judging me. I had to dress different, act different, and make myself seem like something I wasn't just to trick everyone (and also myself) into feeling like I was where I was supposed to be.
For a while after high school, I felt like I belonged. I found my own group of friends that came to me and expressed themselves, making me feel like I could be my true self too. However, the friends I did take with me from high school became distant. Everyone flocked to their different schools, met new people, and didn't communicate with each other as much.
Little did I know, some friends still talked more than others did with each other. Before I knew it, a few of them were planning get-togethers without me, spending the night at each others' houses without shooting me an invite text. Things that we all used to tell each other were only being told to a few of us, leaving the rest in the dirt, unaware of specific details of each others' lives like we used to be.
Suddenly, I felt like a stranger in my own house. My parents were there for me, but I felt like I wasn't doing enough for them, enough to make them proud. I sat in my room all of the time and thought about what life would be like without me, if I should leave and start over, what I was doing wrong, why I couldn't figure out where I was supposed to be.
When all of this happened, it hit me hard. My best friends were becoming more like strangers, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I felt like family was dropping from my side left and right. To this day, it's a feeling that stays with me and saddens me constantly.
Picture losing a friend for no reason, losing contact with someone you love as family in the blink of an eye.
It puts this empty feeling in you, like you're supposed to have emotions but none work. Like things are supposed to impact you, but you keep a straight face and walk down your path with your headphones in.
That's what a sense of not belonging is like.
I hope that one day, I will overcome this feeling and have it disappear from my life all together. I pray that even if all of these people think that I do belong, that my thoughts decide to believe it as well.
And if you're like me and you feel this way as well, keep your head high and hope for the best, because I promise one day we will find where we are supposed to be, and who will hold our hands and stand by our sides to walk our paths together.