What It's Like Living With The Monster

What It's Like Living With The Monster

Real monsters live within ourselves.
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It's like an endless black hole eating me up inside. It's consuming of both time and energy and I'm not quite sure how to handle it some days. For the most part I have it under control but there are some days where it just takes complete control over me. I do everything I possibly can to keep it under the radar, I smile and laugh even when I feel like falling apart. When I feel myself losing control I excuse myself and break down, but for some reason it's still my fault.

You tell me everyday that the monster isn't real but you will never know until you live with it. Until you feel it over power you and control your every thought motion you have no room to talk. The monster is exactly that, it's a monster. We all have monsters. They live in our heads. They destroy every sense of security we have. They bash in the light bulb and force us to live in the dark so they can be with us forever.

My monster is loud. All I hear is him roaring in my head, slamming his hands and stomping his feet because I refuse to live in the dark, my whole life I lived there. And I hate to say this, but my monster always wins. No matter how hard I fight, I will never be strong enough. My monster does control me more than I control myself and I hate it. I hate how weak the monster makes me.

I am not a weak person. I am stronger than most can even imagine. I am a strong person. I am strong... but this beast inside of me brings me down. It tears me apart. It cripples me. The monster consumes me all day everyday and this is the first time I am able to admit it.

Living with the monster isn't easy. I cry everyday. I feel it coming over my like a storm cloud filling up the once sunny sky. It's like I'm drowning every moment of my life.There is rarely anymore moments of happiness because the monster destroyed every piece of it I have ever had. Everyday is a struggle. The monster is fighting piece of will I have in me.

But despite how strong this monster is, I will not let it take me. I will not let it swallow me hole. The thing about living with the monster is that with everyday it consumes you... you are one step closer to strength. I know that really makes no sense, but that's life. Life doesn't make sense as is and adding the monster into the mix just makes it even more complicated. But the complications in life helps make the future easier.

The monster doesn't have to stay forever. The monster doesn't have to win. Something I've learned is that if you just open up and just admit that the monster is within you and learn to let others help defeat it then maybe it will be gone. The monster doesn't have to exist anymore.

Cover Image Credit: Diana Schimenti

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Bailey Posted A Racist Tweet, But That Does NOT Mean She Deserves To Be Fat Shamed

As a certified racist, does she deserve to be fat shamed?
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This morning, I was scrolling though my phone, rotating between Instagram, Snapchat, YouTube and Snapchat again, ignoring everyone's snaps but going through all the Snapchat subscription stories before stumbling on a Daily Mail article that piqued my interest. The article was one about a teen, Bailey, who was bullied for her figure, as seen on the snap below and the text exchange between Bailey and her mother, in which she begged for a change of clothes because people were making fun of her and taking pictures.

Like all viral things, quickly after her text pictures and harassing snaps surfaced, people internet stalked her social media. But, after some digging, it was found that Bailey had tweeted some racist remark.

Now, some are saying that because Bailey was clearly racist, she is undeserving of empathy and deserves to be fat-shamed. But does she? All humans, no matter how we try, are prejudiced in one way or another. If you can honestly tell me that you treat everyone with an equal amount of respect after a brief first impression, regardless of the state of their physical hygiene or the words that come out of their mouth, either you're a liar, or you're actually God. Yes, she tweeted some racist stuff. But does that mean that all hate she receives in all aspects of her life are justified?

On the other hand, Bailey was racist. And what comes around goes around. There was one user on Twitter who pointed out that as a racist, Bailey was a bully herself. And, quite honestly, everyone loves the downfall of the bully. The moment the bullies' victims stop cowering from fear and discover that they, too, have claws is the moment when the onlookers turn the tables and start jeering the bully instead. This is the moment the bully completely and utterly breaks, feeling the pain of their victims for the first time, and for the victims, the bully's demise is satisfying to watch.

While we'd all like to believe that the ideal is somewhere in between, in a happy medium where her racism is penalized but she also gets sympathy for being fat shamed, the reality is that the ideal is to be entirely empathetic. Help her through her tough time, with no backlash.

Bullies bully to dominate and to feel powerful. If we tell her that she's undeserving of any good in life because she tweeted some racist stuff, she will feel stifled and insignificant and awful. Maybe she'll also want to make someone else to feel as awful as she did for some random physical characteristic she has. Maybe, we might dehumanize her to the point where we feel that she's undeserving of anything, and she might forget the preciousness of life. Either one of the outcomes is unpleasant and disturbing and will not promote healthy tendencies within a person.

Instead, we should make her feel supported. We all have bad traits about ourselves, but they shouldn't define us. Maybe, through this experience, she'll realize how it feels to be prejudiced against based off physical characteristics. After all, it is our lowest points, our most desperate points in life, that provide us with another perspective to use while evaluating the world and everyone in it.

Cover Image Credit: Twitter / Bailey

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Just Because YOU Get The Holiday Holly-Jollies Doesn't Mean We All Do

Instead, use your 'holly jolly' attitudes to be lights in the lives of those that are hurting, because seasonal depression is REAL.

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When I was a kid, I loved Christmas. I couldn't get enough of the feeling of warmth and joy, and the sights, smells, and tastes of the last two months in the year were better than any other time. It was truly the "most wonderful time of the year," everyone seemed happy and the world seemed peaceful and right for just a small fraction of the year.

Growing older, of course, I realized that wasn't the way that the world was.

Not everyone is happy during the holiday months, and some people even get less happy during the holiday months. Disorders like seasonal affective disorder (SAD), more commonly known as "seasonal depression", really do exist.

But a person does not necessarily have to have this diagnosis to be hurting more through the holidays. And it could be anything, from upsetting memories of past holidays, financial struggles, missing loved ones, to loneliness or just the way that their brains function.

During these times then, it is only increasingly important that we take care in how we interact with others.

It's so important to remember to not take out your anger on strangers. It really is incredibly true that you never know what could be going on in someone else's life, no matter how cliché it is.

Instead, open a door for someone, be forgiving of the car that pulled out in front of you and don't lay on the horn, help a neighbor with shoveling snow or carrying groceries.

Please don't get so caught up in the business of the season that you forget to check in on your loved ones.

Pay attention to if they're struggling and reach out to them. You don't have to purchase material things for everyone to be able to give everyone a gift this holiday season. Listen to people, give a hug when it's needed, be a shoulder to cry on or bring an extra coffee because sometimes you have to reach out in order to be reached out to.

We should be using our 'holly jolly' attitudes to be lights in the lives of those that are hurting.

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