What It's Like Living With The Monster

What It's Like Living With The Monster

Real monsters live within ourselves.
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It's like an endless black hole eating me up inside. It's consuming of both time and energy and I'm not quite sure how to handle it some days. For the most part I have it under control but there are some days where it just takes complete control over me. I do everything I possibly can to keep it under the radar, I smile and laugh even when I feel like falling apart. When I feel myself losing control I excuse myself and break down, but for some reason it's still my fault.

You tell me everyday that the monster isn't real but you will never know until you live with it. Until you feel it over power you and control your every thought motion you have no room to talk. The monster is exactly that, it's a monster. We all have monsters. They live in our heads. They destroy every sense of security we have. They bash in the light bulb and force us to live in the dark so they can be with us forever.

My monster is loud. All I hear is him roaring in my head, slamming his hands and stomping his feet because I refuse to live in the dark, my whole life I lived there. And I hate to say this, but my monster always wins. No matter how hard I fight, I will never be strong enough. My monster does control me more than I control myself and I hate it. I hate how weak the monster makes me.

I am not a weak person. I am stronger than most can even imagine. I am a strong person. I am strong... but this beast inside of me brings me down. It tears me apart. It cripples me. The monster consumes me all day everyday and this is the first time I am able to admit it.

Living with the monster isn't easy. I cry everyday. I feel it coming over my like a storm cloud filling up the once sunny sky. It's like I'm drowning every moment of my life.There is rarely anymore moments of happiness because the monster destroyed every piece of it I have ever had. Everyday is a struggle. The monster is fighting piece of will I have in me.

But despite how strong this monster is, I will not let it take me. I will not let it swallow me hole. The thing about living with the monster is that with everyday it consumes you... you are one step closer to strength. I know that really makes no sense, but that's life. Life doesn't make sense as is and adding the monster into the mix just makes it even more complicated. But the complications in life helps make the future easier.

The monster doesn't have to stay forever. The monster doesn't have to win. Something I've learned is that if you just open up and just admit that the monster is within you and learn to let others help defeat it then maybe it will be gone. The monster doesn't have to exist anymore.

Cover Image Credit: Diana Schimenti

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3 Reasons Why Step Dads Are Super Dads

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I often hear a lot of people complaining about their step-parents and wondering why they think that they have any authority over them. Although I know that everyone has different situations, I will be the first to admit that I am beyond blessed to have a step dad. Yep, I said it. My life wouldn't be the same that it is not without him in it. Let me tell you why I think step dads are the greatest things since sliced bread.

1. They will do anything for you, literally.

My stepdad has done any and every thing for me. From when I was little until now. He was and still is my go-to. If I was hungry, he would get me food. If something was broken, he would fix it. If I wanted something, he would normally always find a way to get it. He didn't spoil me (just sometimes), but he would make sure that I was always taken care of.

SEE ALSO: The Thank You That Step-Parents Deserve

2. Life lessons.

Yup, the tough one. My stepdad has taught me things that I would have never figured out on my own. He has stood beside me through every mistake. He has been there to pick me up when I am down. My stepdad is like the book of knowledge: crazy hormonal teenage edition. Boy problems? He would probably make me feel better. He just always seemed to know what to say. I think that the most important lesson that I have learned from my stepdad is: to never give up. My stepdad has been through three cycles of leukemia. He is now in remission, yay!! But, I never heard him complain. I never heard him worry and I never saw him feeling sorry for himself. Through you, I found strength.

3. He loved me as his own.

The big one, the one that may seem impossible to some step parents. My stepdad is not actually my stepdad, but rather my dad. I will never have enough words to explain how grateful I am for this man, which is why I am attempting to write this right now. It takes a special kind of human to love another as if they are their own. There had never been times where I didn't think that my dad wouldn't be there for me. It was like I always knew he would be. He introduces me as his daughter, and he is my dad. I wouldn't have it any other way. You were able to show me what family is.

So, dad... thanks. Thanks for being you. Thanks for being awesome. Thanks for being strong. Thanks for loving me. Thanks for loving my mom. Thanks for giving me a wonderful little sister. Thanks for being someone that I can count on. Thanks for being my dad.

I love you!

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Poetry On Odyssey: Moving On

Healing hurts but it's necessary to move on.

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I just want to make it clear, that I by no means am or plan to a poet. I have only written one other poem my entire life. But to keep myself from going off and hurting myself mentally, emotionally, and physically after a break up, I started to read, (and reread) my poetry books. I wanted to vent, but I didn't want to write long Facebook status or share every sad post. I didn't even want to tell anyone. Although, I knew I needed to turn my hurt, pain and confusion into something healthy and healing. I started to write an article but I couldn't get the words out, unless they were in short pieces. So I tried, to with a poem.

Moving On

I want to change how you made me feel

I want to numb all the pain and hurt

that you left me to deal with

but how can I do that?


How can I numb the pain,

when I'm already numb?

I feel nothing at all

and at the same time

I feel everything at once


I'm like a walking corpse

begging for life again

And I would anything to get it

but nothing at the same time


How can one thing so simple

make me feel completely empty

and so full of pain and confusion


I've never been left more confused

more vulnerable

and so full of self hate


I've never felt this type of sadness

I was verging on depression again

But I slowly realized that I'll be okay

because I can see what you truly want

and what I truly need


And while my heart was with you

I learned why it should be with me

and I know I'll be more okay than ever


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