What It's Like Living With The Monster

What It's Like Living With The Monster

Real monsters live within ourselves.
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It's like an endless black hole eating me up inside. It's consuming of both time and energy and I'm not quite sure how to handle it some days. For the most part I have it under control but there are some days where it just takes complete control over me. I do everything I possibly can to keep it under the radar, I smile and laugh even when I feel like falling apart. When I feel myself losing control I excuse myself and break down, but for some reason it's still my fault.

You tell me everyday that the monster isn't real but you will never know until you live with it. Until you feel it over power you and control your every thought motion you have no room to talk. The monster is exactly that, it's a monster. We all have monsters. They live in our heads. They destroy every sense of security we have. They bash in the light bulb and force us to live in the dark so they can be with us forever.

My monster is loud. All I hear is him roaring in my head, slamming his hands and stomping his feet because I refuse to live in the dark, my whole life I lived there. And I hate to say this, but my monster always wins. No matter how hard I fight, I will never be strong enough. My monster does control me more than I control myself and I hate it. I hate how weak the monster makes me.

I am not a weak person. I am stronger than most can even imagine. I am a strong person. I am strong... but this beast inside of me brings me down. It tears me apart. It cripples me. The monster consumes me all day everyday and this is the first time I am able to admit it.

Living with the monster isn't easy. I cry everyday. I feel it coming over my like a storm cloud filling up the once sunny sky. It's like I'm drowning every moment of my life.There is rarely anymore moments of happiness because the monster destroyed every piece of it I have ever had. Everyday is a struggle. The monster is fighting piece of will I have in me.

But despite how strong this monster is, I will not let it take me. I will not let it swallow me hole. The thing about living with the monster is that with everyday it consumes you... you are one step closer to strength. I know that really makes no sense, but that's life. Life doesn't make sense as is and adding the monster into the mix just makes it even more complicated. But the complications in life helps make the future easier.

The monster doesn't have to stay forever. The monster doesn't have to win. Something I've learned is that if you just open up and just admit that the monster is within you and learn to let others help defeat it then maybe it will be gone. The monster doesn't have to exist anymore.

Cover Image Credit: Diana Schimenti

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30 Things I'd Rather Be Than 'Pretty'

Because "pretty" is so overrated.
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Nowadays, we put so much emphasis on our looks. We focus so much on the outside that we forget to really focus on what matters. I was inspired by a list that I found online of "Things I Would Rather Be Called Instead Of Pretty," so I made my own version. Here is a list of things that I would rather be than "pretty."

1. Captivating

I want one glance at me to completely steal your breath away.

2. Magnetic

I want people to feel drawn to me. I want something to be different about me that people recognize at first glance.

3. Raw

I want to be real. Vulnerable. Completely, genuinely myself.

4. Intoxicating

..and I want you addicted.

5. Humble

I want to recognize my abilities, but not be boastful or proud.

6. Exemplary

I want to stand out.

7. Loyal

I want to pride myself on sticking out the storm.

8. Fascinating

I want you to be hanging on every word I say.

9. Empathetic

I want to be able to feel your pain, so that I can help you heal.

10. Vivacious

I want to be the life of the party.

11. Reckless

I want to be crazy. Thrilling. Unpredictable. I want to keep you guessing, keep your heart pounding, and your blood rushing.

12. Philanthropic

I want to give.

13. Philosophical

I want to ask the tough questions that get you thinking about the purpose of our beating hearts.

14. Loving

When my name is spoken, I want my tenderness to come to mind.

15. Quaintrelle

I want my passion to ooze out of me.

16. Belesprit

I want to be quick. Witty. Always on my toes.

17. Conscientious

I want to always be thinking of others.

18. Passionate

...and I want people to know what my passions are.

19. Alluring

I want to be a woman who draws people in.

20. Kind

Simply put, I want to be pleasant and kind.

21. Selcouth

Even if you've known me your whole life, I want strange, yet marvelous. Rare and wondrous.

22. Pierian

From the way I move to the way I speak, I want to be poetic.

23. Esoteric

Do not mistake this. I do not want to be misunderstood. But rather I'd like to keep my circle small and close. I don't want to be an average, everyday person.

24. Authentic

I don't want anyone to ever question whether I am being genuine or telling the truth.

25. Novaturient

..about my own life. I never want to settle for good enough. Instead I always want to seek to make a positive change.

26. Observant

I want to take all of life in.

27. Peart

I want to be honestly in good spirits at all times.

28. Romantic

Sure, I want to be a little old school in this sense.

29. Elysian

I want to give you the same feeling that you get in paradise.

30. Curious

And I never want to stop searching for answers.
Cover Image Credit: Favim

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An Open Letter To The Girl Who Just Feels... Alone

Because "look around you, you aren't alone," is cliché and helps no one. I've been there.

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Dear strong soul,

You feel alone now more than ever. Your recent move/breakup/relationship/mistake/change in character has brought you to this point, and you don't know what to do. I want to write to you to prove that I am here, and you aren't alone.

Guess what? We get to grow!

I know you feel like no one knows you can feel your heart breaking and that you feel lost and isolated. Please, resist the urge to compare yourself to the people around you. In an age where it seems we're constantly reduced to a social image and a following we can display online, it's difficult now more than ever to "see" loneliness. In the same way, you often feel like your loneliness is masked by the image you let people around you see, you don't see half of what those around you're struggling with.

You don't see that you're not alone.

Ask yourself, what does it matter if those around you are less lonely than you are? You're YOU. You are special no matter who's around you succeeding in their own ways. You will get to the place you want to be.

This stage of life is normal and it's temporary.

You should take this time to pour yourself into what you're best at; you're so talented! Create art. Treat yourself. Grow flowers. Learn how to do something you've never tried before Don't be afraid to try new things! If you focus less on digging yourself out of loneliness and spend more time embracing this stage of life and growing strong, you'll be so much happier.

Lastly, don't lose heart. We got this. You're doing an amazing job.

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