I wrote an article in July about why Christmas is special for me, and why I think about it even during the height of summer. Something happened between now and then, though. Somewhere along the way, I lost hope. I don't really know how to get it back.

It's been one of those genuinely awful years where I've been burned everywhere I turn. I want, more than anything, to pack up and leave and never look back. Houston has lost its charm, and holds far too many ghosts for me to stay. I've never been one for running from my problems, but I have become so desolate that I simply desire to walk away.

For the past few weeks, I've been applying for jobs in different cities in an attempt to find some place new and start over. No matter how qualified I am for the job, I just keep getting rejections. It seems the cruel twists of fate are not allowing me to leave.

I just can't seem to catch a break.

I hate Christmas this year. I don't want to celebrate it. I don't want to put ornaments on a tree and open presents. I want to drink a ton of alcohol and be left the hell alone. I want to drive or fly or do something until I'm as far away from this God-forsaken city as possible, where the ghosts of my past will finally leave me be.

The twinkling lights are so stupid. The cold(ish) weather sucks. Everything about this time of year that I used to love is what I loathe now.

Am I bitter? Of course I am. No one knows what it feels like to go back to a job, back to a church, back to a place that has such choking evidence of your past that you simply can't move on, but you're stuck.

You can't escape.

There's no opportunity or place to go otherwise. Above all else, I'm tired of people telling me "I'm not alone," as they throw out some generic trope to make me feel better. Maybe I want to be alone. Maybe I want you to leave me the hell alone.

I hate this city because it reminds me of every single way I have been hurt this year. I hate the Houston Zoo Lights. I hate the Galleria decorations. I hate the Memorial City swirls and trees and ice rinks. I hate everything I used to love so much about this holiday and this city. I hate this place and every ounce of evidence it bears that I have been completely and utterly played for a fool. It taunts me with every waking moment.

Christmas is not meant for the enjoyment of fools like you.

How do I fall in love with season again? I used to love it. I used to count down the days until I could put up my Christmas tree. Now, I just want it to stay in its box.

How do I get back to who I used to be?

I feel like a shell of my former self. I can't even get back in touch with who I used to be. Days fly by because I'm only half-way living through them. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I can figure out a way to leave, I'll find myself again in the process.

Maybe I'll always be stuck, or lost, in some capacity. The girl I used to be loved this city. Will I be who I was without it? Can I ever be what I used to be again?

I wish this article posed a question and then proceeded to answer it with some form of a profound solution. I don't have one. Call this my cry for help. I can't find myself anymore. Does who I used to be even still exist?

Can I ever get her back?

What is the Christmas spirit? How do I rediscover it?