This is a poem that I wrote a couple months back when I was faced with a question someone asked me. "What has been your definition of love through your younger years as a child?" Coming from a home where addiction was present, this word became a game that I never thought would leave me trying to find the truth of what it really is till this day. To grow up trying to love someone who doesn't have the capacity to love you in a way that you need because addiction destroys every ounce of what love is supposed to be.
What Is Love
What's love when all you were was a man who slept on the floor and went in and out of the front door.
And I came home to that same look I still can't deal with anymore.
What's love when I cried myself to sleep and when I still think to myself how you chose a drug over me.
Was I the person who caused you to be the man I see?
What's love when you washed me away and never wanted to see my face and addiction was all you wanted to chase.
How it always had a head start and stole every chance I wanted to take.
It was ready to welcome with a deceiving embrace.
What's love when I felt like you always looked past me and I felt replaced.
Every word I spoke, every time I wanted to love you, and the times I needed you it always came back to me having to find an escape.
What's love when I long for you to love me back and I am finding myself still looking through the bathroom crack.
Memories that I still can't erase and get over the fact how I still try to want you to come back.
But, every time I let you in I keep on becoming this broken glass you hold in your hand and throw it around all over again.
What's love when you make me believe I'm nothing and you allow me to accept these dark feelings.
But here I am still trying to defend you and protect you, telling myself excuses to make me feel less angry. But in reality, you deserve the anger I have inside.
Love became the lies which still haunt me every time I think about myself.
It turned into becoming a twisted game.
I despise you didn't think I would ever grow into a human being and say how much I really don't like how you caused me to think till this day.
Internally screaming, I just want to be free from these chains you designed to create.
What's love when you can't seem to stop and take a look at what you are doing.
What's love when I am faced to see the damage you have left me.
What's love when it stole us ever truly being one big family.
And I will never get those chances that other little girls got to.
What's love when it's hard to now let people truly love me.
What's love when I'm left to find a new meaning.