It is not a joke...
It's not something that should be judged. It's not a way to seek attention. It's an illness. Anxiety is a curse. People like to accuse those with anxiety of being "attention seeking" or "crazy." I'm here to tell you that what they say about anxiety is not true.
I have anxiety. And this is my story.
When my grandmother died of a stroke on September 10, 2007, I was only eight years old. My grandmother was the sweetest woman I have ever met in my life. She was down to earth, funny, and always told the best stories. She was my best friend. The day I found out she passed away, a different side of me opened up through the veins in my body and took over me like a puppet on strings. I was so fearful of life without my grandmother. It was the first death I ever had to encounter, and what made it worse was that it was my best friend. I felt some of my happiness fade away and what was once happiness was now replaced with fear, sadness, and sensitivity.
From that day on, I haven't been the same.
As I escalated into middle school, my anxiety began to get worse. I was constantly fearing the loss of my mother, who was the closest being to me since my grandmother had died. I remember sitting in the third to last desk in my sixth grade class, almost to tears because I was terrified of losing my mother. It was scary feeling this way all of the time, but I thought I was overreacting. So, I wiped the fears off of my shoulders and the tears off my face, pretended that none of it was happening, and hid the fears deep into the back of my brain.
In seventh grade, I had my first panic attack.
I didn't know what was going on. All I can say is that in that moment, I felt like I was dying. And in that moment, I was okay with dying.
My first panic attack was the most terrifying one to this day. I can vividly remember feeling like I had just finished running a marathon. I was hot, dizzy, my throat was dry, the breaths I took sounded like the panting of a dog, the tears rolling down my face were boiling hot, I felt like the world was ending right before my young eyes. It was sudden, and short, but felt like it could've just ended yesterday.
As my anxiety ate me up inside I began to take pills when I didn't need to, lost sleep, and was never happy. Along with my anxiety, I started to develop depression in middle school and was being cyber bullied. I went to school everyday feeling like the problems I faced would be like an abyss, never ending, dark, terrifying. During these dark times, I began seeing a therapist who helped me to stop the bad things I was putting myself through.
I finally started to feel normal again.
Since starting high school, my anxiety has been more controlled. However, there are times where I will have a panic attack and not be able to control it. Panic attacks are not planned, some get them more then others, and some last longer then others. A lot of the time, when I mention panic attacks to people, they don't believe I get them. They say to me, "How can someone as cheerful and positive as you always are, get panic attacks?" They don't know that these things can happen to anyone.
I am now a senior in high school, in my last semester of school before facing the world as an adult. I am a preschool teacher, writer, mentor, musician, youth group leader, friend, sister, cousin, granddaughter, niece, and a victim of anxiety. I have spoken to teens about anxiety and have mentored young girls that are going through the same things as I once was. If you have the slightest bit of anxiety within you, I encourage you to stay strong. Do not let it consume you or who you are. Do not let your fears stop you from taking risks or putting yourself out there. I tell people this all of the time, and now I have told you.
This illness is something that will most likely always be a part of me. I will never be able to erase the memories that I've had to be a part of because of this curse. But, I have learned to embrace my anxiety and not let it eat away at everything I am. Although my anxiety will never completely erase away, I will always continue to be the best version of myself that I can be, fighting against my fears and keeping the strength I currently possess, alive.
I am stronger than my fears.
You can be, too.
