I've been known from time to time to be a dreamer. I like to take movie scenes and imagine them to be real life. If I don't like how something has worked out in real life, I might put on my rose colored glasses and look back with warm fuzzies on something that wasn't warm or fuzzy but I wanted it to be. I've been known to close my eyes to things I don't like and imagine that things are different because reality wasn't matching up with what I hoped it would look like. I've been known to also wear black on Valentine's Day to show my frustration when love doesn't look like my fairy tale I thought it would be. Have I mentioned that I haven't always been the most mature person on the planet?

I'm learning to get real about love and loving. I wrote before about unconditional love and how I'm learning what it really means, bringing the truth of who you are, what you need, how you think and feel to all of your relationships under any conditions. What does that look like in real life? Here are some examples of what loving can look like in real life in friendship, marriage, family, and life. Just in case you feel the need to put your warm fuzzy imagining rose colored glasses on this week around Valentine's Day. Set them down and take a good look for some real examples of how love might be showing up in your life in a way you might not have recognized before.

Loving Is Giving

Picture this, you are exhausted, it has been a long day and all you have been looking forward to all day is the sweet relief of the couch and television. You spouse comes home and at dinner asks you if you will sit down with them after the kids go to bed to talk about a possible job change. There are two ways to be loving here, the first is to say yes, absolutely, to your spouse because it is important to know what is going on in our spouse's life, what they are facing, considering, and how it will impact your family. It is important communication that couples need to do when making big life decisions. But the second act of loving here is to acknowledge your exhaustion and that you may not be up for that serious of a talk if you wait until after the kids go to bed. You might suggest that you get the kids busy with something else and steal away to talk right after dinner. Or you could make an agreement that you will talk the next day when you are well rested and better able to hear and weigh in. Either way, you are letting your spouse know what is going on with you and that you are willing to give them your full attention and when might be the best time for that to happen because knowing what is going on with them is important to you.

Loving Is Support

My husband travels for work, has dinner meetings, and sometimes late night business calls to places like Europe or China. He also takes time to hang out with friends and exercise. He is able to do these things because I support him. Not only do I handle the household and kids when he is gone but I let him know that I support his work, his friendships, his need for exercise and personal fulfillment. I may get annoyed (I'm sure he does too) from time to time when things get too out of balance but I know that support means a lot, it shows love. In return, I am supported by him in my job, my self-care and exercise needs, my need for personal fulfillment, friendship, and in running the household and taking care of the kids when I am away from the home. This will never be a perfect balance and scores cannot be kept, but in the end you must feel and know that when needed the support will be there without punishment or strings attached, just given out of love and a desire to support you partner. It is loving to tell your partner when you feel like you have been giving more and are ready to be given to.

Loving Is Effort

My friend Cathy has been calling me every so often to check in with me. This is no small feat. She is a full time worker, wife, mother of two, who is close to her family and has many outside and after work commitments. I know that the twenty minutes she has between work and picking kids up from daycare is precious and sometimes she chooses to call me to check in and see how I am doing. It would be easy and understandable for her to take that time and do something else but she puts forth the effort to check in with me. In a world of messaging and easy texting, it is easy to forget how much hearing someone's voice saying "How are you doing?" can mean. Effort let's people know how special you are to them. Any person who has rushed from work to daycare and school, to get home for the homework, dinner, bedtime routine knows how special you must be to get a phone call in the midst of it.

Loving Is Limits

Children and people test limits, it is what they do. It is a way to know who you are with and what they stand for. When people set a limit and are honest it makes others relax and feel safe because you understand and can predict what will happen with that person. My children test daily. They want a whole bag of Goldfish crackers ten minutes before dinner. I say no, not to be mean but the set a limit-we have to eat healthy food before we eat snacks. Dinner time feeds your body good stuff, junk food is a treat. It is a lesson in self-care that I repeat almost daily because it is my job to set healthy eating habits for my kids (it's a work in progress but we set the limits daily). They want to stay up late and not go to bed. Well as a parent I need to set a bed time as a limit so that they get enough sleep to be well rested and prepared for the next day. Routine and limits will be tested but in the end it is very comforting to a child to know what is going to happen every night, how and when. I used to think it was loving to make your child happy and to do what was easiest to avoid meltdowns and foster harmony in the home. False-loving is setting the limits to provide a sense of routine, safety, and consistency so that a child knows where you stand and can relax and know that you have their best interest in mind even when they don't like it. They will feel that deep loving and concern for their well being underneath the limits if the limits are formed from love and concern. They will learn to trust you because they cannot talk you out of your limits with temper tantrums, threats, or tears.

Loving Is Saying No

Sometimes you need to say no. Someone you love may be doing something that is hurting them, you can refuse to participate, enable, or fix it for them. Someone you love may be doing something that is hurting you, you can tell them so they can choose to stop or continue with the knowledge that they are doing harm. Sometimes you have to say no to someone else's needs when doing so will deplete you of energy that you need for yourself or your family and loved ones. For example, your child's teacher asks you to volunteer but you've got ten loads of laundry and nothing in your cupboards. It would probably be more loving to provide your child with clean clothing and food at home than to try show up in their classroom and probably be disengaged anyway because you know what is waiting for you at home. You can always say no to anything that doesn't fill you up or takes you away from your primary responsibility of meeting the basic needs of yourself or your family.

Loving in real ways isn't romantic or fantastical. It is doing the hard work, everyday of showing up, supporting, giving, reaching out, being honest, and setting boundaries and limits. Anyone can bring flowers, say the right things, and pretend to be something that makes you happy for a short time. Real love and real loving is messy and requires honesty, effort, toughness, and give and take. Look around for some examples of real love showing up in your life this week and also look for ways you can provide it for others.

"Love is just a relentless showing up." - Glennon Doyle Melton