Hello again, it's your favorite angst ridden non-teen again, back reporting on surviving another month dealing with mental illness. I did it; I made it out alive, and so did you, so let's all be thankful for that.
In July, depression looked like tears.
In the beginning of July, I had to finally say goodbye to my beloved service dog in training, Beignet. No, she didn't die, but it really felt like she did, as I will probably never see her again. The grief was REAL, y'all. The tears poured out of me until I felt that I literally had nothing left. The first day she was gone, I was all alone in the house, which was so deafeningly silent. There was no clicking of toenails on the floor, no squeaking of toys, and no excited panting when I walked past the treat jar. Anything would set me off for about four days. The nights were the worst. There were times when I was just sobbing into a pillow as my brain tried to wrap itself around the fact that Beignet is more than likely out of my life forever. It was a rough week or so, for sure. My new pup Willa did make it better, but for a while, everything Willa did just reminded me of Beignet. Having a puppy to cuddle definitely did make things a little easier though!
In July, depression looked like apathy
If you read my recent article about what it's like to have a new puppy, you know that puppies are a lot of work on very little sleep. Putting all my mental energy into this new life was exhausting. When I have a lot to do, I pretty much shut down and go to sleep. Not that everyone doesn't need a little R and R every once and a while, but my version is more like Repress and Reject, and isn't super healthy for me. Apathy has been a common theme in this series, and it's definitely one of the biggest things I deal with on a daily basis. I just have almost no mental energy and even writing thank you notes or studying a little for the GRE feels like climbing Mount Everest.
In July, depression looked like being overwhelmed.
Lord, I felt like my plate was overflowing this month, and not with good things like on Thanksgiving. I have a new puppy, have to write a million scholarship essays, apply to grad schools, study for the GRE, get ready to move back to Wake, mentally prepare myself for the hell that is a work Forest semester, lose weight, schedule my internship, go to work, and anything else the day might bring me. July is the last full month of summer and trust me, I felt the pressure.
In July, coping looked like diving into work.
Though a lot of my mental illness revolved around having too much to do, I definitely felt much better when I could check things off my list. Being productive can be really hard for me, but I feel great when I overcome my apathy and manage to write that thank you note or look up grad programs. Also exercise is always helpful too.
Well friends, another month has come to a close, and August brings a big move, the start of senior year, and being on my own again. But we will continue to push through and be the warriors that we all are. Onward and take your meds!