Hello again friends. It's ya girl. Still depressed, still living. Small blessings people.
In August, depression looked like irritability
Y'aaaallllll, I was not a fun person to be around this month. I had/have zero patience for anything or anyone, especially not a small puppy. The thing is, a lot of people think that anger and annoyance are not a part of depression, but they are my biggest symptom. When I am very upset, I just want to be alone and have to deal with nothing, and having to do anything puts me in a nasty mood. This made moving in quite a challenge. I just want everything to go the way I want it, and when I feel like life is pulling the rug out from under me, I just get angry.
In August, depression felt small.
As much as I like to think I am dainty and waif-like, I am a presence. I tend to speak loudly (actor) and also be the center of attention (actor), even if I don't want to be. I have a big mouth and a big personality. However, this month I found myself shrinking into corners, not wanting to step on anyone's toes. I just didn't have the energy, and I didn't want to make anything worse by adding my presence to it. I feel other people's feelings really strongly, and my parents were grieving me leaving for college just as much as I was, so I felt triple the sadness. I really shrank inside myself.
In August, depression was emptiness in my stomach
This month, I just felt empty inside. I don't know if it was dread, sadness, fear, loneliness or all of the above. Whatever it was, I couldn't shake it. And I can't pinpoint where it is in my body or where it comes from, but it aches. It is infinite and everlasting. It is always there, but it comes hardest when it's quiet; when the silence is deafening. Depression is silent, but depression is deafening.
In August, coping felt like moving forward.
I don't like change. Like at all. I can't deal with moving and leaving my home and my parents. I don't like being new. I don't like change. However, I have to find the strength within myself to adapt and move on. I'm going back to counseling. I'm taking my meds. I'm not pushing myself beyond my limits. I'm taking care of myself. I'm not focusing on what I can't change. We can do this.
See you in September, my birthday month! Here's to age-induced panic attacks and cake!