Lately, I've been feeling like I am going to amount to nothing.
I know, I know, it's a dramatic bummer to start off with this. That being said, it's true. There may be a hint of my depression in that statement, but I don't think that makes it any less valid.
Recently, my friends have been achieving such amazing things and reaching these huge milestones. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for them. In fact, thinking about their success and accomplishments brings tears to my eyes. Despite this though, I can't help but compare my life to theirs. I sit here, so proud of who they are, so proud of who they're becoming, and I wonder if they look at me and think the same. You see, I haven't been in a single relationship (unless you count two hours in the fourth grade, but I like to pretend that never happened), I haven't done anything really out of the ordinary, and I haven't been too adventurous. I have, though, been aggressively indecisive about my major and what I want to do with my life.
It seems to me that all of my friends have their lives figured out. They seem to have an abundance of clarity concerning the direction life is taking them. For me? I feel like I'm stuck in this intricate, underground, pitch-black tunnel system. I look and pray for some kind of light that will lead me the right way, but I have nothing. I don't know where I'm going or what the hell I'm doing. All I know is that I'm good at writing and I like to help in any way that I can. For my indecisive mind, this is a pretty big accomplishment. But then, I tend to get so hung up on the success of my friends that I belittle mine.
I was talking with one of my friends about this, and she said the most amazing thing: all of our lives have different paces. Some people have accelerated paces and timelines, but others are slow and steady. I think us slow and steadiers can get overwhelmed and self-conscious when we look at our quick-paced and successful friends, which is totally understandable. I think it's especially hard when you surround yourself with these people. It can feel like the whole world is living their lif in fast forward while you're stuck in real-time, or even just on pause.
Slowly, I'm trying to teach myself that it's okay to go at my pace. It's okay that I don't know what I want to do with my life just yet. It's okay that I've never had a boyfriend. It's okay that I want to change my major almost every day. It's okay to go slow. Most importantly, the little successes in your life are just as important as the milestones, especially for my fellow slow and steadiers. Maybe you just started going to therapy. Maybe you're now trying to eat healthily and exercise. Maybe you're starting to open up to a few more people. Celebrate these things, cause you know what? Progress is progress, and I'm proud of you.
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