It is getting down to the last few months of senior year, yet spring semester is full of new members in this or that. Whether it is your SLU, Greek organization or some other club, seniors are getting really worn out after so many years of involvement.

We are mostly sad to be leaving and very stressed about post grad, but overall, we are tired! A lot of years of being over-involved and trudging through class after exam after paper have exhausted us, especially at OWU where overinvolvement is everyone's middle name.

I first realized this growing sense of apathy after hours of interviews and discussions for new housemates in my SLU (a small living unit centered around a mission -- they're great, but not the topic of this article). I care about who will be living in my house after me and who my housemates / friends will be living with, but I just could only care so much.

I just kept thinking: what does this matter? I won't have to live with these people; I probably won't even really talk with them more than two or three times before I graduate, even if I think they are super cool or interesting. It isn't anything against them; I'm just a salty, selfish senior. I want to not care as much as I even do.

I want to focus on me and be a self-centered brat before I graduate. I want to have fun. I want to not have to worry about any leadership positions or tasks or jobs. I want to be like a carefree freshman again. But I am not carefree. I worry about the future. I don't have that thought anymore that I'll figure out new loans and come back again in the fall after this semester. Because I am not coming back, because I am leaving, for good this time, no more "see you in August."

I want to be welcoming and friendly; I love my friends, and I don't want them to feel like I have already left them, but as they stress over house things for next year and I assure them that everything will work out, in the back of my mind, I am just thinking: I don't care.

As much as I try to still care, I don't. I am being selfish, but I don't see the point in expending any stress to something that does not directly affect me in the future. It doesn't. I can't even try to make it about me. I can worry for my friends and try to make them feel better, but deep down I don't care.

I am happy to see that we have new members. They are solid people who seem pretty chill. I am happy to know that the things I love and belong to will survive after I leave in May and will continue to flourish.

I don't care right now though. I just want to be a salty, selfish senior, but I keep feeling like I am not getting to that level and that I am not allowed to be at that level. In previous years, I have been excited to be the new member and to be welcoming new members, but now I am the one leaving, making room for these new members to join.

Welcoming one of my friends to Kappa on bid night last year.

I see all that these new members have ahead of them, and I'm jealous. I miss the times when I had that. I miss the times as a freshman that I could blow off studying or worrying about my immediate future. When I would just go out whenever and have fun doing whatever. When I wouldn't have an infinite to-do list of different things to do. When I only had to worry about where I wanted to go on the weekend and with whom.

But here I am, welcoming new members into communities that I am leaving active status in. I'm sorry I am selfish and don't care; I have a lot of feelings right now, but I also have a lot of apathy about a setting that I don't feel attached to anymore, that I am already letting go of and saying my goodbyes.

P.S. I wrote this right after paying my last set of dues for my last semester as an active of my sorority and before my last date party, so sorry if I seem extra salty or selfish.