We Can Only Be Who We Are Right Now

We Can Only Be Who We Are Right Now

My first year of college is almost over and I’ve realized many things about myself.
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For the longest time, I would beat myself up because I wasn’t this or I wasn’t that. I didn’t feel smart, I didn’t feel beautiful and I didn’t feel like people liked me that much. I was trying to live for the moment and not worry about the past, but I was so caught up in all the partying and living for the weekend. I was almost making myself "have fun" when I just needed to relax and take time for myself. I got into a routine of not taking care of myself the way I deserved and needed. I didn’t demand people to treat me right — I had taken so many steps back and I felt like the high school girl that never stood up for herself.

College is weird like this. It is so relatable when people talk about how they struggle with transitioning or adjusting. Every college kid knows what I mean when I refer to “the struggle” and boy, is it real. I kept going back and forth with my confidence and happiness. I’m normally like that to an extent because I get sad over things easily, but I’m happy about simple things as well. This back and forth was a whole new level of constantly beating myself up. It wasn’t like I sitting around waiting for someone to dig me out of the mess, but I wasn't really helping my confidence by constantly beating myself up over everything. I'd tell myself I needed to be happy or I needed to try harder and none of it was ever enough. You really are your worst critic in this sense.

I put so much pressure and stress on myself that I couldn’t get any schoolwork done because I felt so much anxiety about accomplishing simple tasks. I made myself feel like I had to be happy and okay right then and there. I never let myself be a mess or take the time I needed to deal with all my emotions.

My first year of college is almost over, I’m going to be 19 soon and I’ve realized many things about myself. I need to let myself not be okay, I need to have breakdowns, I need to cry, I need to ask for help and I need to let people be there for me — and this is all okay. I can only be who I am right now. Living and growing up is all about learning to deal with life as it comes. There’s never going to be a time when everything is completely perfect. Life is going to be sh*t sometimes and it’s okay to not be okay. I’m so happy and thankful for everything and everyone in my life. I wouldn't change a single thing about this year because we really can only be who we are at the moment. I am Lindsey freaking Ocock and that alone is enough.

Cover Image Credit: Lindsey Ocock

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10 Shows Netflix Should Have Acquired INSTEAD of Re-newing 'Friends' For $100 Million

Could $100 Million BE anymore of an overspend?

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Netflix broke everyone's heart and then stitched them back together within a matter of 12 hours the other day.

How does one do that you may wonder. Well they start by announcing that as of January 1st, 2019 'Friends' will no longer be available to stream. This then caused an uproar from the ones who watch 'Friends' at least once a day, myself including. Because of this giant up roar, with some threats to leave Netflix all together, they announced that 'Friends' will still be available for all of 2019. So after they renewed our hope in life, they released that it cost them $100 million.

$100 million is a lot of money, money that could be spent on variety of different shows.

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Running a Marathon Taught Me Gratitude

And how much I can actually eat in one sitting

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Last May, just four days before my senior prom and one week before graduation, I ran a marathon. Born from a hasty commitment in December, I completed those 26.2 miles on a misty summer morning. It seems to me that as I move forward in time, I feel the need to complement the shift with movement through space. The space I chose was a relatively flat expanse in Cleveland, Ohio. Along the course, I witnessed the water of Lake Erie and buildings fade into the cloud cover that lasted for the duration of the race. It was very challenging, and I was very afraid I would fail. I completed the race.

My months of training have revealed the strength of my body to me. On every long run, and every time I become lucid of my feet hitting the pavement and the absurdity of it all, I become more grateful that I have a body capable of dealing with my mind and a mind capable of dealing with my ambition. I knew little beyond my own life when the concept of mindful gratitude was introduced to me, and I could not comprehend my luck. I had no perspective on life, mine or otherwise, therefore I do not think I came easily into gratitude. Good things felt normal and bad things felt undeserved. I consider my journey into gratitude one of the most important transformations of my teenage years. While I came to this realization before my marathon training ensued, the process I endured supplied me with ample time to reflect on life and running and human motivation. What began as thankfulness for my body now includes an appreciation for the spaces available to me for running, the time I have free to dedicate to training, and the efforts of our ancestors that yield the ability to run for hours. I am grateful for all we scientifically understand about running such as VO2-maxes and physics that account for everything down to the curve of a pinky toe. I am grateful for everybody who recognizes running as meditation. I am grateful for the holiness of flesh and the choice I have in how to use my body.

In my experience, running is a source of control. Throughout my life, I have sought control in many forms, many of them harmful to myself or others. Eventually, running became a response to chaos. I felt that many of my problems stemmed from society--the deep-seated concepts that I cannot see toppling ever, especially not in my lifetime. For a long time, I was overwhelmed by the presence of patriarchal underpinnings in close to every aspect of life. I sought refuge in places of wilderness. A popular figure of speech, especially for male environmentalists, is that the earth is "virgin" and "fertile" until man "rapes" it. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how this colloquialism. Few things are more arrogant. "Rape" goes much deeper than the legal definition. It means humiliation and ruin. While one human may or may not have this power over another human, it is pure hubris to think any man or farming machine can wield this power over the earth. Our history goes back far enough to know that man is far more temporary than nature, and that where civilizations of humans die, nature quickly reclaims her power. Running gave me a way to connect with this nature, and in turn connect with its power. Few things are more graceful than nature waiting patiently for humans to either learn or perish. For this example, I am forever grateful.

The human body is meant to run. The ligaments in our feet, narrower midsections, strong glutes, and short toes are biological evidence of it. While I was running Cleveland, I could not help but feel every muscle in my body working. Our lineage is amazing. I cannot comprehend how many miles our ancestors have walked and run. I thought about the journey of Pheidippides from Marathon to Athens. I thought about the tradition of competition. I wanted to run a marathon to take my place in this tradition of travel and racing. While human history is one of conflict and largely darkness, there is also glory. Many of the signs fans held up around the course emphasized this, encouraging runners to "forget the miles, remember the glory." I ran alongside 15,000 others, and we advanced together in grace and gratitude.

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