I'm a sophomore at Penn State University, 19 years of age, and I feel utterly alone.
I write from the perspective of a young, white gay man who was raised in a conservative, Roman Catholic family that was the epitome of a heteronormative environment. I do not attempt to speak for everyone; I can only speak for myself in hopes that others will be able to relate to my story.
I came to Penn State just like any other freshman: excited about the prospect of a new adventure but also absolutely terrified about having to start over. I was raised in a family that worshiped the ground Penn State football stood on; I was regularly carted to State College on football weekends growing up to attend football games. My parents, specifically my father, thought that I would learn to love football as much as my older sister did (who also attended Penn State).
Not quite.
As I developed an interest in the arts, I began to resent football more and more. I hated that fact that my parents seemed to prioritize football over everything that I ever did. No one ever took an interest in theatre or attempted to have a conversation with me. Whenever I would bring it up, the response was that I was "impossible to talk to because I was so condescending about the matter". My passion for theatre was regularly seen as a sign of arrogance; this led to a severe amount of self-esteem issues and constantly feeling like I had to prove myself.
Around sophomore year of high school, I realized that I was gay. I was dating my female best friend. I was utterly trapped. I ended things with her about two months into the relationship. When I started to come out to my friends, she was the last one. It was just too difficult a conversation to have. Now she's a student here at Penn State with me. We're the best of friends. Go figure.
Once I came out to my friends, I attempted to come out to my mother. She immediately rejected it, refusing to even have the discussion. This pushed me far away from the Catholic Church, because I knew deep down that her rejection was a result of the Church's influence. I was never able to tell my father; I'm still not to do this day. People that I encounter today are absolutely stunned that my parents don't know or accept me. It's something that I don't like talking about. My sister is more than OK with me being gay; she's so OK with it that she consistently treats me like a walking stereotype and begs me to "find a man that will help my fashion sense so I can be a better gay". I just love that (not).
The first year at college consisted of random hookups with guys on Grindr and (occasionally Tinder). I caught mono halfway through the year and had to deal with the lingering effects of it. I'm absolutely terrified to get tested for HIV because I'm afraid that I might have contracted something. I have severe body issues and attempt to go to the gym, but am always intimidated by the guys there (especially the masculine gay guys who only seem to prefer each other).
As I begin my sophomore year, I find myself even more alone than last year. Partying gives me severe anxiety; growing up with a family full of people who love to drink really scarred me. I feel like my anxieties were never validated; I was and am constantly told that I am too "uptight" and that I need to unwind. People love to point out my flaws all the time. Every time I talk with my dad on the phone, one of his usual questions is "What's wrong?"
When you're asked "What's wrong?" almost every day, you begin to think that there is something wrong with you. It's eating away at me inside that I can't be honest with people; there's something deep inside me that won't let me say what I'm thinking. I hide behind closed doors and listen to sad music. I download and delete Grindr every couple of hours. I'm addicted to social media. I slap a filter on a photo and post it, waiting for the "likes" to roll in.
As I write this, I'm faced with the startling reality that I have not been able to cry for months now. I feel everything building up and building up inside me and it terrifies me. I'm absolutely miserable all of the time and it stems from an inability to be honest. I'm a playwright and I constantly write characters that are dealing with the same idea: looking for love, not finding it, and ultimately having a huge blow-up with their parents about not accepting them for who they are.
I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that our generation and our culture is absolutely fucked. We hide behind screens and use dating apps to find the next "hook-up". ESPECIALLY in the gay male community. We were so suppressed in high school by our parents and our community that the minute we got to college, we started hooking up with every guy that was in sight. Not to mention, the gay community is incredibly judgmental. If you don't have abs, forget it. If you're not white, forget it. If you're not rich, forget it.
We have lost touch of meaningful, authentic relationships in our society, especially in the gay culture. I have tried and tried and tried and tried. I am worthy of a decent guy who will see me for more than just a hook-up. Why doesn't anyone else see that?
No need to answer. This post is rhetorical. And I doubt anyone will read it. And that's okay. Being able to voice my frustrations is a reward in itself.
I raise my Saints iced coffee to you, whoever you are.
