Surrounded by a crowd of people and still feel alone? Phone full of contacts and still feel like you have no one to talk to? Straight-A student and still feel clueless? Have all these resources and still feel lost?
Don’t be fooled by a smile. Most people are born natural actors. We find it easier to keep our emotions and feelings bottled up inside. We think that if we avoid them long enough, they’ll go away. Sometimes they will. Other times they will only grow to the point of no sweet release. Eventually, you’ll be so consumed with these feelings that you just go numb. The joy won't come with the happy moments, nor will the tears come with the sad times.
Some of the strongest people I know are battling their internal demons every day. Smiling through the stress. Laughing through the pain. Getting up every day when they barely have the energy to open their eyes. Maybe that’s why these people are my best friends -- they get me. They understand me in ways other people don’t. They know what I’m thinking when I’m silent. They can tell the difference between a genuine smile and a forced one.
They say that the early 20s are a time to find yourself. I would argue that it’s also a time to lose yourself. What degree are you going to pursue? What do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to live? We grow up with somewhat of an idea, but when the time comes—we panic. These are the decisions that could dictate the rest of our lives. The work we put in now translates into our successes later on. But no pressure, right?!
As humans, we live to please others. Please our parents, friends, professors, significant others, colleagues and clients/customers. Doing so, we forget to please ourselves. In fact, we exhaust ourselves. It’s a constant pressure to put others above our own well-being. To an extent, that’s great, but there comes a point when you slowly begin to hurt yourself -- mentally, emotionally and physically draining yourself. Eventually, there will come a time when we have nothing left to give at all. Maybe that explains the numbness.
Be careful when you place someone on a pedestal. It may end up breaking them down rather than building them up. With that pedestal comes the overbearing obligation to maintain a reputation. Label someone a genius, and suddenly they can’t get below an “A." Call them a leader, and now they can’t make a mistake. Deem them righteous, and they can never sin again. Soon they will come to live their lives as if they are walking on eggshells and aways feeling like their actions are being accounted for. Every move scrutinized.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s a beautiful life we get to live. I’m grateful for every day – the good and bad ones. Grateful that I have the strength to fight my demons. Right now, we’re in a war of attrition. Neither side winning. Some days I fall, others I rise. But I’m plotting my plan of attack. Reinforcing my weapons by focusing on all my blessings. I can’t say for certain when this internal battle will end. Maybe it never will. One thing is for certain though, I will never wave that white flag.