I am not good enough...

A thought that I had believed for some time.

I never believed people when they told me I was pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, stunning... I would look in the mirror and think "no, they just wanted to be nice." I did not see beauty. I only ever saw a reflection that I did not like.

I did not like me.

I did not see that beauty that people tried to tell me I had. I saw flaws and insecurities.

I did not like my body... I was either too skinny that it looked like I had an eating disorder, or I would gain weight and panic over the weight gain that I thought people would notice my stomach got bigger.

So, I would throw myself into the gym, and push myself, in hopes that I could get a body that I was happy with. But when I didn't see changes right away, I would get down and think I could never be happy with myself.

I live a really "crappy" life right now... but some people do have it worse than I do. But the life that I do live, I am not happy with it, and that makes it hard for me to ever love myself. But it gives me the motivation to do what I have to do to get the life that I want.

I was never handed anything. A lot of people are handed a lot. People are handed these things, and I was not. I never once compared myself to them though. I always thought "oh cool. That is good for them, and I am happy for them." and moved past it. I would be in their life and not get offended by all the things they had that I did not. To me, that was just what they had and that was just their life. I did not think "how unfair, I do not have that" because EVERYONE has DIFFERENT lives. But... people never thought like that with me...

Now, I try to surround myself with people that have goals, ambition, drive, want to go somewhere in life. But it gets hard when those people see what my life really is, and compare it to their own, and think I am not the person they want to surround themselves with because it looks like I am nothing. They compare their lives to mine and not see me for me, but see me as the materialistic things around me (which wasn't much of anything) and that was the problem.

People judge me for the life I live right now when they were handed everything, and they do not see or ask where I am working so hard to be. What do I want my future to look like? Am I happy with my life right now? They don't take the time to get to know me, they judge... they judge a book by its cover.

They do not know my journey, my life... those people just want other people in their lives that were handed things as well.

They might see you on a bad day and think that is who you are. People take the bad and let it blind them from all the good.

I have a huge heart, though I do hide it behind some solid walls. I do not have a lot to offer right now, but I will put my all in for someone. I will care, and care deeply. I will be there for them through thick and thin, I will be that shoulder to cry on. I will be there to push them to keep going. And you might think I am talking relationships, but no I also mean friendships... I care deeply about my friends. I value all of them, I do what I can to keep them in my life... I get walked all over, I get pushed down, but I still get back up and keep trying.

Sure, I can't buy them something expensive... but why should that matter?

People want diamond rings when they should just want to love and be loved.

So, as my friend once told me "just remember, no matter how highly you might think of someone, once they are no longer serving you positively then you are no longer meant to be in each other's lives. You take appreciation for everything they taught you and carry that with you, but you don't need to keep people like that in your life." So, when you come across people that bring you down, make you feel sorry for yourself, make you feel like nothing, let them go and walk away.

As you learn to love yourself and get to a place where you want to be in your life, that is when you will start to attract the right crowd of people into your life.

And at the end of the day... beauty wasn't everything. A guy could think you are beautiful, but then see your life and leave...

So, focus on you. Learn who you are, learn to love yourself, and focus on getting where YOU want to be in life.