I Just Wanted To Do The Right Thing

** Names have been changed**

It started with a game on snapchat. All you have to do was simply comment on my story with an "X". I tell you a name of someone I know you know. You then tell me what you think of that person. I take a screenshot of it and then blur out your name so no one knows who said it. After your name is blurred out, I put in on my story for all the world to see it. It`s how the game works.

The first person to comment on my story was someone I had known for a while now, and I was fairly good friends with them. I gave them the name of my boyfriend`s ex, just because she was the first person to come to mind. Then they said their option on Emily. It was not a nice one. They called her a slut, said everyone talks about her and no one likes her. None of this was true.

I knew this stuff was not true so I told this old friend of mine to say something else, just nicer. It was still mean, not quite as bad, however. I still did not want to put it on my story, it would have been awful if I did.

Eventually, Emily, whom I am friends with, commented "X" on my story. I gave her the name of my boyfriend's sister. Emily said nice things and I posted it on my story. I didn't let the conversation die down like I should have because one thing led to another. I showed Emily what that person said about her, but I blurred out their name, as it`s how the game works. I did not post what that person whom shall remain nameless said on my story, it was too mean.

Eventually, Emily kept bugging me and she wanted to know who said it, but I refused. I felt the need to protect my friend. It was late at night and I had had enough and I already felt like a bad person. My friends tried cheering me up, it worked a little, but for the most part, it didn`t, I still went to bed upset.

The next morning I had districts for FFA and Emily`s school had One Act Conference. Right away when I got up that morning, I was confronted. Emily wanted to know who said those things about her and she wanted to know now. I refused to give up who said it, it would only hurt that person even more. Not only Emily, but about 4 of her friends messaged me trying to get me to tell them, but I refused.

One of those friends of Emily that asked me was a friend I was really close with and gotten closer to over the past few weeks. Her name was Daisy. Daisy was more of a calm person and I knew I could explain my reasoning to her and she would understand, and she did. Daisy was now on my side.

I went to one school, everyone else involved went to St. Aloy`s. My boyfriend included. He was there for the entire thing. I felt sorry for him, he was just more or less dragged in this. People at his school were making him mad too, in fact, if it wasn`t for his sister he would have yelled at Emily and her friends to leave me alone. My boyfriend also told me that two of his classmates didn`t think I was at fault, so it made me not feel like such a bad person.

Emily`s friends kept trying everything they could to get me to tell them who it was, but I kept refusing. I can`t say the guilt got to me, however. I was just trying to do the right thing. It wasn`t just in what I wanted, however, but what God wanted me to do. I prayed, I begged God to make everything okay.

I knew He would, but I didn`t feel Him say anything back to me. Eventually, the guilt became too much. I was already having suicidal thoughts, not serious ones, however. I tend to get suicide thoughts every now and then as a side effect of a depression.

I posted on my story "I`m just trying to do the right thing" followed by a depressed emoji face. I wasn`t trying to get pity from this. I just wanted people from St. Aloy`s to know how I felt and that I was trying to do what I believed was right and moral.

Emily saw my story and fought me. She said she didn`t understand how I was trying to do the right thing by not telling her. She said this followed by a lot of other things. I then explained to her I knew about a similar situation.

Except it was more extreme and in that version, the kid did tell. It drove a good, beloved friend of mine to suicide. This was only two months ago. It hurts to talk about still. I explained this to Emily and her reaction was "You don`t want to lose another friend to suicide."

Now Emily was a nice girl, and I did like her, but this was cold to say. When you lose someone from suicide it changes you, in non-explainable ways. I already felt like a bad person and there was no need to drag Blake into this. I called her bluff.

"Don`t you dare talk to me about suicide. You are not depressed. I know depressed and it is not you. And don`t you dare pull that crap on me that you`re going to commit suicide because of this... that`s the same crap you pulled on Andrew (my boyfriend) when you guys were dating and it will not work on me."

(When Andrew and Emily were dating Emily would keep Andrew up until about 3 or 4 A.M. when he had to get up at 5 A.M. for work. Emily kept Andrew up by saying she was going to kill herself if he went to bed, she would then pass out on him, stressing him out and freaking himself out thinking she actually killed herself.)

Emily and I had been fighting for a while now. She had said that I hurt her by not telling her. I knew that I did, but I never meant to. Truth is in hurting her I hurt myself. I told her that and we went back to being "friends".


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