On my 14th birthday, my parents presented me with a ring and a chastity pledge. I signed the card, promising myself, my parents, my God and my future husband to remain chaste until I had found him. I put on the ring, and that was that. For a 14-year-old who grew up incredibly sheltered and still blushed at the mere thought of making out with a boy, waiting until I found the man I would marry didn't seem like much of a challenge. At the time, I thought that I wouldn't want to have sex until I was married.
Of course, I did not fully grasp how difficult keeping my promise might be. I didn't understand that hormones and love are powerful things that are hard to ignore. I didn't realize at the time that I would, someday, want to have sex and I would still have to say no.
Still, while waiting has proven frustrating and problematic at times, I don't think that my parents brainwashed me and I don't regret my decision to wait.
I've grown up in an age where sex and sexual exploration is healthy and, on many levels, encouraged. And I think that's great. I think that there have been a lot of stigmas surrounding sex for a very long time that regard it as somehow dirty or perverse. I think that opposing these stigmas in the way society has been is really pretty awesome and I couldn't be happier to live in an age when embracing one's own body and understanding how it works and how to love oneself is so important to our culture as a whole. Sex, I fully believe, is healthy and can be greatly beneficial for many reasons. I think it's great that, for the most part, sex is accepted by the majority of our society.
What I have found upsetting, though, is that, because I choose not to have sex, I am somehow a prude or weird. I've been told many times, both by people who know me and people who don't, that I need to loosen up. Let go. Stop living in the past. I've seen other people post anonymously on social media sites, asking if there is something wrong with them because they haven't had sex yet, and it is so sad to me that somehow they have been convinced that there might be.
I get it. Sex is fun. And to a lot of people, it's not a big deal. No one should have to defend their decision to have sex, but, honestly, I am getting tired of having to defend my decision to not have sex.
I am a virgin for the obvious reasons. I am not ready to be a mother and I do not want to contract STDs.
I am still a virgin because I believe in true love. I think that there is really someone on this earth who has been made specifically for me, and I want to be with him only. I don't want to spend years fumbling around with guys who I will never have a real future with.
I am a virgin because I don't want to set myself up for more heartbreak. I love deeply and strongly. I know that for a lot of people, "getting it over with" would be easier than waiting. I know that for a lot of people, sex isn't such a big deal. For me though, getting it over with, regardless of whether or not I love the person in the moment, is setting myself up for an entirely new world of hurt. Every boy I have sex with will take a larger part of my heart than they already do when they leave. The more of my heart I give up, the less I have left to give to someone who truly deserves it.
I am a virgin because I already seek constant validation. Even without having sexual relations with them, I am constantly seeking validation from the men that I date. Am I pretty enough? Is my nose too big? Is my belly too fat? I worry so much about whether or not I am worthy of love that to add another component -- to wonder whether or not I am good enough in bed -- would be the worst form of self deprecation. I need to learn to love my physical self before I am capable of giving myself physically to another person.
I am a virgin because I treasure myself and believe myself to be a gift. I want to give that gift to only one person, because honestly, re-gifting is a shitty thing to do. I want to be able to look my husband in the eyes one day and say honestly that he is the only man I have ever loved completely.
I am a virgin because I made a promise. Not necessarily to my parents or to God when I was 14 and I signed a chastity pledge. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't have sex until I was with the man I would be with forever. It doesn't matter when I made that promise, only that I did and that I respect myself far too much to break it.
My friends, I applaud you for having sex. I celebrate your right to do so. I support you, wholeheartedly. Sex is good. Sex is healthy. Sex is OK. But not having sex is, too, and I'm not a prude for thinking so.