I wish I was gorgeous. I wish I looked like the women from magazines: long straight hair, a thin nose, beautiful colored eyes and a body to kill. I want to be beautiful, but unfortunately, I don’t have the face to launch a thousand ships. How do I know this?

The media tells me every day who the most attractive is. Merriam Webster defines beauty as having qualities of beauty; exciting aesthetic pleasures. Aesthetic is synonymous with the word visual. So, if I took out aesthetic and replaced it with the word visual it would read:

beauty is having qualities of beauty; exciting visual pleasures.

I took that definition and applied it to myself. My features are primarily African-American. Generally speaking, African- American women are not considered attractive. According to Ok cupid, African American women’s dating profile are the least likely to be responded to compared to other race of women. This can be discouraging, especially for young women.

Society tells women we must be beautiful and we must be sexy. If you are not feminine then your womanhood is questioned. If a woman is not deemed beautiful what is her worth? If a woman’s masculinity outweighs are femininity her appreciation plummets. Confidence cannot replace the feeling of rejection.

My visual features probably won’t please Modeling Agencies or People magazine. See, My nose is a bit crooked when I smile too big and my eyes are too close together for my particularly wide face. People tell me beauty is subjective- that everyone is beautiful and all women are beautiful, what a load of bull. If everyone is beautiful, why do I see the same type of woman plastered in the Media?

For example, take a Look at Maxims top 100 or People’s most Beautiful Woman. They all have the same hair, the same eyebrows, the same face, and the same skin tone. Even women from various ethnic backgrounds follow the same symmetrical faced model. Should I get plastic surgery to make myself feel more attractive? And if I do fix the outer layer, will it heal my inner layer?

I don’t know but what I do know is I want to be gorgeous. So gorgeous I stop a grown man in his tracks. So gorgeous, I make the Liam’s of the words stutter during a conversation with me. I want to so beautiful, fashion designers want to give me a gown to wear for a night.

I want to look so good that my Instagram is loaded with fans and followers. I want to look good because good looking people have nice things. Good looking people are paid more, good looking people are the epitome of wealth and desire, regardless of gender. But I’m not. I am not what people would fawn over.

My beauty is subjective – for those who appreciate rareness and uniqueness. My beauty was shaped by my mother and father – recessive and dominant genes that I inherited. I am not for everyone. My beauty isn’t pizza, my beauty is required taste and character. It is for a selective few who are able to appreciate beauty in all forms and designs.

Yes, I do wish I was gorgeous, but I have learned we can’t have everything we desire because if we had everything we wanted, we wouldn’t know the feeling of happiness. We wouldn’t understand how to appreciate differences and understand the subjective meaning of beauty, which is suited for the individual.