It’s been awhile since we ended things. Although we say things here and there, we both would admit, things are not the same. We keep telling each other that we have both moved on. Except for our moments of weakness, when we break down and admit much we miss each other, but those moments only seem to happen when one of us or both of us is intoxicated. We both cannot seem to admit it on our sober days because talking about it with nothing to ease the pain would be nothing less than hell. It is the same conversation every time, one second one of us says “I miss you" or "I miss us” and the next second one of us is questioning the other one if we are truly over each other.
Yes, I am over you. I don’t wait by my phone expecting a call from you anymore. I don’t think about you all the time and my heart doesn’t ache as much as it used to. I don’t expect to see you anytime soon or expect you to see how I am doing anymore. I am over you, but some days my heart still aches at the thought that I lost my best friend. Tears roll down my face every time something happens that I need your support but I know I should not call you.
I lost you, and the thought of starting over makes me sick. I hate talking to new people knowing there are things I am gonna have to explain in the future, things you already know. I hate having to cover up my “flaws”, the “flaws” you already knew and were used to. I hate how conscious I am about my insecurities around new people, the insecurities you were aware of and new how to make me feel okay about. I do not want to learn about someone that is not you. I know you inside and out so why should I have to start over with someone new? Why should I leave something so good in the past to try something that could not even compare?
Starting over is my biggest fear but it is becoming a reality. As we become distant, I feel like I am losing parts of you as you take on the journey of life without me. There are life events happening that you will tell others about and not me. You will develop new insecurities and get over the old ones and I will lose that part of you. I fear that a new girl will know you better than I ever did. I fear that we will lose everything we worked towards the past few years. The trust, the honesty, the kindness, the openness, it will all be gone.
So no, I do not want to walk away. The last thing in the world I want is to start over. I am over you but it is not that simple. We have been through hell and back, we have each other memorized. That seems to mean nothing now that we are over and that alone hurts the most. It hurts knowing the past is irrelevant because it is all over. All the memories we have together that only we know, we will never be able to remind each other and laugh about the good times and the bad. I will remember every single memory and keep the smiles and the tears to myself hoping that you will never forget them.