When my grandpa passed away two years ago, I started to get anxiety attacks. I originally thought it was just me breaking down from the loss of one of the most important people in my life, or just stress from school overload and everything added together. As time went on my attacks and anxiety seemed to get worse. As a college student it seems that every other person you talk to says they suffer from anxiety, that may be true, but the few who do not suffer from anxiety are so quick to laugh at you or judge you and say things like “get over it” “stop being such a baby” “don’t worry about it” “let it pass” “fix yourself, you’re stronger than that” or my favorite phrase “it’s nothing to worry about” then I have actually had people tell me that I am stupid for thinking the things I do or even acting the way I do, but what they do not understand is I would not be acting the way I would be if I could control it completely.

Everyone deals with and responds to anxiety differently. Anxiety is something that takes over your life in a split second and sometimes it is the absolute hardest thing to control. You feel like a baby, you feel like you’re alone with no one in your life and you feel like you are overreacting over nothing which is true at times, but you can’t help it. At this time your mind controls every thought and every feeling you have. Your over think and over analyze every possible thing in your life which causes you to think the absolute worse in every situation. You make a mountain out of a mole hill, literally. Sometimes you just want to sleep, scream and cry, while other times I completely isolate myself from everyone.

When my anxiety starts to get high, I can feel it. It’s like that phrase people say when they are mad “I’m so mad my blood is boiling”. That is exactly what it feels like, I feel like my blood is boiling and I soon begin to feel all shaky, my mind has a thousand thoughts running through it, and I am so quick to snap at people for no reason. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to, someone to keep my mind off of all the negative thoughts constantly taking over my mind. Some people I push away and want nothing to do with, while others I just want to talk to. I feel bad for those people I want to talk to because I get needy, clingy, moody, and sometimes it seems like I just want to fight with them but in all reality, I just want to know I have someone who will be there and help me through it. Sometimes a series of events will lead up to my anxiety rising and others it just comes out of nowhere unexpectedly.

For example, I remember this one time specifically I had a decent day, not bad, not great. My plan was to make pizza rolls for dinner, I began to start cooking and when I opened the crescent rolls they were moldy. Now for any other person it would be annoying because you would just have to decide if you were making something else or if you were going to go to the store and buy a new pack of crescent rolls. What happened to me? I had a breakdown, I started shaking and crying and it ruined my night. Sounds stupid I know, I look back on it now and even I think to myself, how was I so upset? But at this moment in time every little thing that was happening in my life was elevated, I thought the absolute worst about everything. The whole attack started just over moldy crescent rolls but ended with every little thing that is wrong in my life to be the worst that could ever happen to me

This specific event was led on by me being a control freak and things were not going as planned because I plan everything through, sometimes to the last minute. Some events, absolutely nothing has to happen for my attacks to come on set. So I thank everyone in my life for sticking by me through these attacks, understanding me, and understanding I am trying my hardest to overreact but at that moment it is so hard. And for the people who don’t understand, make fun of me, and say those comments to me, I hope now you can understand that this is something that you cannot control as hard as you try. Yes, sometimes you can lessen it, but also at the same time you have to let me have my moment, and let it run its course.