Ever since I was little, I always thought of Valentine’s Day as a special day. A day of red hearts cut out of construction paper, bouquets full of roses and decadent chocolates. A day full of love, whether it was romantic love, love in friendships, and familial love. My dad would get my mom her favorite white roses and for me red roses, and at the sight of the flowers next to chocolates from my mom, I had an immediate smile of joy on my face.

However, I outgrew this naïve innocence as I got older. I became more bitter as I was single and dreaded Valentine’s Day. My dread, of course, subsided when I finally spent Valentine’s Day in a relationship, but even then I felt a lot of pressure that day. My then-boyfriend surprised me with a rose once I left class, after the whole day he had made it seem like he had forgotten and didn’t get me anything. We then acted like one of those couples I used to make faces at whenever I’d see them in the hallways. Me being so full of dramatic teenage love, I filled a jar with paper hearts cut out of construction paper, each with a reason why I loved him. I know...Sounds like something out of a cliché rom-com.

The following year when I was back to being single, I made a pact with my best friends and we each got each other a rose for Galentine’s Day. And to my surprise, I also got an anonymous rose, which filled me with utter curiosity and confusion. I spent days trying to figure out who it was from, as my best guess was my closest guy friend and he refused to admit it was him. Even for a while after, I never found out and it was still in the back of my mind. I also had a crush on another of my closest guy friends at the time, and he was completely oblivious, so my Valentine’s Day in 2014 was full of mixed feelings.

During my freshman year of college, on the other hand, the dreaded day was very eventful. Still in mourning after my grandpa’s death, I wasn’t even supposed to go to any parties so soon after. A friend of mine was celebrating her birthday Valentine’s Day weekend and going to my first college party for Valentine’s Day seemed like the best way to escape a household still in mourning and to distract my own mind. It was full of alcohol and dancing and laughs and even a little flirting so I don’t regret going. I wore leather leggings and one of my favorite shirts, at least two people spilled their drinks on my leggings and I almost freaked out when a guy significantly taller than me and half-drunk attempted to kiss me. So it was quite memorable, to say the least.

Now, 2017 has been off to a great start in my life and sure it’s not perfect, but spending Valentine’s Day with my current boyfriend means a lot to me. I want it to be the best Valentine’s Day he’s ever had and even though I already know I’m surprising him throughout our relationship, I feel like I’ve added even more pressure on myself. The kind of pressure I haven’t felt in a long time. Our relationship is very new and different for both of us, but I want to be a better girlfriend this time around. I am a grown adult after all who's matured and hopefully learned a lot along the way.

As I’m writing this, I’m very excited for Valentine’s Day. I’m going back and forth about what to wear, how to do my makeup, and thinking about how much I’m going to smile when I see him. Our plans are last minute but simple enough, and I’ll enjoy his company either way. It’s the start of something new, with someone that makes me very happy, someone who makes my heart race. For once in a long time, Valentine’s Day feels like not just a special day, but the kind of day I want to experience every day and considering he’s already set high standards for himself I do not know for sure what to expect. But what I’ll feel on Valentine’s Day, I’ll have that same feeling the next time I see him with open arms, smiling and giggling like the kind of girl I’ve missed being- the happy kind.