Poetry on Odyssey: Upward Falling

Poetry on Odyssey: Upward Falling

Something so Beautifully Appalling

Sylvia Plath played an important role in bringing forth attention to mental illness within the mid-twentieth century. This original creation (down below) represents the ends of Sylvia Plath's life. It represents the descending of a great depression within her, living through the book, "The Bell Jar," and her poetic works being told by the writer who had felt everything and put it into words. Most people live with this type of mask that covered them while roaming around with everyone else. They wear this mask unintentionally but also as a cry for help. They may seem like they live and lead normal lives, but in reality, they are slowly but surely descending down into this dark pit called depression.

Within this specific poem, I talk about the suicidal thoughts present in Plath's mind, something that is very clear and evident. I put into words, like as she would as a writer who feels nothing but silence, and I painted a picture of the types of feelings she may have felt. There may be evidence over physical pain and illness, things that can be diagnosed and treated easily, but mental illness is beyond difficult to diagnose and difficult to speak about; it is something most people may try to avoid. The significance of this poem is broken down into basic terms involving the author, Sylvia Plath, and her “fictional” character of Esther Greenwood and bits and parts of her in every other character within her story. I wrote this article and poem to highlight how these silent damages can take heavy tolls on our surroundings. Open your eyes. Be aware. Be there for someone.

Upward Falling

Chaos unleashed its impending wrath, leaving me with nothing, nothing but the weight Atlas bears.

Unable to peel off that extra layer of skin, the skin of the deceiving mask I was forced, forced to wear.

Clandestine figures slowly crept up behind me leaving a silent, intractable path, a path that will surely abandon me into the depths of forever.

Through the years, I have spent my time rummaging for a door, a door that would seize me from this cruel road, but the door was never to be found, and the hope faded along with my endeavor.

Beautiful bricks built beyond faith, love, and optimism line up in attempt to block the end of the road, the road that stubbornly refused to tear.

Destroying my daunting desires drove a sharp blade through the child inside, destroying my every last drop of flair.

I dash with the wind without a hint of hesitation, finally coming to terms with my fate.

I proceed to let my final journey unfold as I allowed my last breath of despair into the emptiness, in riddance of the weight.

I let my feet shuffle against the ground, and impulsively let it dangle off the edge of the earth,

I hoped for this impossible chance of revival and Rebirth.

I finally granted my soul a taste of this bittersweet freedom, only to question why I had been so late.

Down, down, down,

To see what I can discover.

Around, around, around,

The silence becomes loud and white.

Down, down, down,

Darkness finally dispersed into the light.

Around, around, around,

The world goes undercover.

The night sky fills her hands with stars

That fall down burying the rest of the scars.

Pearls daringly descend down among her skin,

Covering every last one of her sins.

Listen to the harmonies that the angels sing

While her eyes are closed, encompassed in their wings.

Upward Falling

Something so beautifully appalling.

Cover Image Credit: Nicole Ma

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

From an outside perspective, suicidal thoughts are rarely looked into deeper than the surface level. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is that people live in between those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead.

You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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Depression Is A Balancing Act That Is And Isn't In Our Control

Managing depression can sometimes feel overwhelming.


*Warning: Before reading any further is that this article will be talking about heavy topics such as depression and suicide.*

Depression in this day and age is a very sticky topic to talk about. Yes, we are becoming more aware and accepting of the issue, but we still have a long ways to go in terms of really know how we can be there for people in a way that's most effective and where they don't feel judged because of it.

I have dealt with depression most of my life and especially going through college. It didn't become a big thing for me till I came to college, and then having to navigate my issue of it. Whether that's talking about it friends vaguely about it, bottling it all in, going for professional help, etc. It's one of the many reasons why I'm afraid of meeting someone new, or wanting to be in a relationship, I was afraid of the judgment and feeling that if I told someone they either might not want to do anything with me, say it's too much for them, etc.

Now some of those fears, in my opinion, were unjustified in a sense that yes even though it is important for people to be there for me in my time of need, I need to be conscious of how much I share and whether they can take that piece of me I shared. It's a balancing act that is hard to manage, but it allows me for a much-needed look into myself of what actually makes me happy, what doesn't, what triggers my depression and going out of my way to make sure I don't let it take control of me.

The depression took me to places, very dark places that I'm happy to have push through, with my depression it made my thoughts go into suicidal ideation, and even hurting myself, an act that I never thought I would ever do but thankfully I had people in my life that helped me overcome that and going to talk to a professional.

Depression is a mental health issue that most everyone struggles with regardless of where they're at in life, it can come like a tidal wave, or not at all. It's an internal struggle with ourselves, and we do our best trying to get through it. I know that I'm not alone in this, and if you're reading this you're not alone either.

Don't be afraid to talk about it, but be mindful of other people and how much you can share in order for them to be able to process it, go for professional help, exercise, hang out with friends. Don't let depression fully control your life, it won't go away but if we can manage it in a way that helps us be able to keep it under control then that's a win.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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