Unlearn, verb: to discard a bad habit or false or outdated information from one's memory.

I think, in college, this most often appears in the form of a student, sitting in class, raising their hand and being able to utilize terminology and understanding of complicated concepts as a means of proving themselves. It's when the "correct" answer is being able to admit not having the "correct" answer.

Admitting to existing in a condensed understanding of the world, and publicly announcing that you've seen the light thanks to the content of the class. It's feeling superior to people who aren't as capable of "unlearning" as you are, who still hold onto their now seemingly prehistoric notions of how the world works (a whole other topic for a different article).

I myself am guilty of this. I sit in class and prove I have "unlearned" something, and I feel as victorious as someone crossing a marathon finish line.

The thing about "unlearning," however, is that it's just that: a marathon. The only thing is, you don't get to choose when it ends.

Because "unlearning" isn't a process that ends. It requires dedication in the public AND private spheres. It requires action.

I find myself thinking about this more and more because of where I am currently at with my mental health. Just as I work on unlearning my previous understandings of gender, race, or class, I work on "unlearning" the ways my PTSD impacts the way I live my life.

Unlearning isn't just about the classroom just as mental illness isn't just about a therapist's office.

I can talk for hours about the technicalities of the disorder. I can go through the textbook definitions of symptoms, even list the ways they apply to my life and how I experience them. I can advocate for better understanding and better support for myself and others living with invisible disabilities. The "talk" is easy.

It's the "walk" that's difficult. Analyzing is one thing, but living what you "unlearn" is another.

I work on "unlearning" my fear of my abuser's face, arms, silhouette, hands, mouth, and eyes. I remind myself that seeing a car that looks like his does not mean he is back in my life. I separate dates on the calendar from the things that occurred on those days two years ago.

And it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

I have entire weeks where it feels like my energy goes to just trying to be mindful of the ways that this one person has changed the way my brain functions on a fundamental level. I realize that I've been functioning a certain way unconsciously, clueless of the ramifications it has on my relationships, work, and well-being and I wonder if I will ever be at a place mentally that feels like I'm not a collection of collateral. My battle with my sense of agency is a non-linear one.

So is the battle of unlearning the social systems you grew up knowing. You're not always going to be the most "woke" person in the room. You realize you've been raised to see the world in a certain way, and you have to correct yourself and stay mindful of it in the future. When you catch yourself making decisions based on unconscious biases, you have to acknowledge them and move forward with the intent of improving. You can't spiral in on yourself and shut down to growth.

Don't let the difficulty of the "walk," however, dissuade you from making the choice to take the first, tenth, or one-hundredth step forward. Growth might be non-linear, but it's necessary for yourself and others.