Several months earlier this year, I called one of my friends. When she discussed about all the interesting things she did, I thought I was an uninteresting person. It was partially because of the diverging paths taken after high school, and the differences in how we approached hobbies, but it was something I voiced.

She responded that I wasn’t uninteresting, at least, not in her opinion. She also discussed about how, if one wanted to, they could make a change in their lives.

I know I have a bunch of things I want to learn, and others which make me more interesting than the average person. I want to travel the world, learn multiple languages, and write. The latter I’ve done to the point I’m writing a novel and a musical and a series of short stories. Yet they remain unfinished. I draw pictures and fence and do tango, but all to limited aspects.

Considering these things, I constantly contemplate, Am I uninteresting?

***

An interesting person, for me, has a bunch of interests they’re passionate about pursuing and want to see to completion. They are curious about learning their craft and are persistent. They have their opinions, but also are open to finding new facts and evolving their stances as they go. Overall, they are the ones people remember for their work and their unapologetic nature.

This is where the mirror reflects on me: I find myself conceding my works and personalities to all the forces in the world, from public opinion to those who suggest I should try to find another career path. Sometimes, I think to myself, if I’m just an image of what people want me to be, rather than what I want to be. This is especially because I think I have no friends or they will abandon me at the next moment.

And in those moments, I think, What do I want?

Even when I have a direct ambition I want to seek, I tend to back away and let the clock tick down. I’m not afraid of the work, per se, but I’m worried more about what it could lead to. What if it was something which was, ultimately, not good? What if my hobbies don’t lead to a point where I would develop them further?

So while I keep all my projects on standby, keeping the talents and skills I’ve accumulated, I go through life in the hope of a stable status, with a well-paying job and food and a home.

***

As we go through the new year in 2017, I hope I can cultivate myself to be a more interesting person. It’s not just finishing the projects I’ve had and starting to develop an academic and career path in my future in college. It’s developing hobbies and a viewpoint on how I take on the world.

Now this is not just simply eliminating all the quirks and interests which makes me unique, nor is it stepping out too far and trying to catch the next yacht to a fancy island. It’s a process, in which one must think about every decision done and every word said. Even the smallest pebble can become an avalanche within moments as it accelerates down the mountain.

All of this requires, per my high school, being “comfortable with being uncomfortable”. Like a lot of people these days, I prefer listening to music and watching videos to applying myself through work and writing. I would rather flee than fight. But if I want to be interesting and self-actualized, do I have any other choice?