My partner, Anxiety can be a real d***** bag. Because one moment you’re hungry, but by the time you order your food and it arrives, they decide my appetite is gone. I just wanted to enjoy my meal, but now I’m trying to survive it. I’m on my lunch break, and it’s the ONLY time I can eat until 7 in the evening. I try to get my food down, but as the restaurant gets crowded, I get claustrophobic. My mind is getting louder and louder, one bite is out of the question now.

I’m walking back to my shift and there’s little kids running around and screaming. My biggest fear is that I develop a panic attack in public and scare the little kids and their parents, and have them think I’m on drugs or something.

“Your anxiety doesn’t own you.” That’s what they always say. But I’m in an unhealthy relationship with Anxiety. I let them control me, I live my life just for them. I used to be calm before we met, but now I sit in class with a stress ball in my hand. When I told the high school students I used to work with that I have a fidget spinner, they thought I was so cool, but I have one because my hands tremble a lot.

“You wouldn’t be so tired if you went to bed early!” Whenever someone says that to me, I want to punch them in the face. But nighttime is when Anxiety wants to play with me. I lay in bed focusing on the wall as I try to breathe slowly. If you visit my room, there’s a big sign on my wall that says “BREATHE” across from my bed, but it’s not for decoration. It’s there because I actually need that reminder most nights. That might as well be my first tattoo, I’ll put it on my wrist or something.

But if I’m lucky, I won’t be having a panic attack. Instead, Anxiety will spend a couple hours telling me all the ways I messed up in 10th grade, or that the boy I’ve liked for a while is actually bad for me, but I’ll take that over feeling like I’m going to hurl. I wake up the next morning exhausted. I’ll be hungry for a small morning snack on a good day.

I book flights and doctor’s appointments as early in the day as possible because I’m too tired to feel anxious yet. Anxiety controls my life, I schedule things in their best interest. “Why can’t you just leave?” I can’t shut it off, I’m not making excuses to be lazy.

Anxiety has hurt me in many ways. They are the reason for my last hospital trip. I’ve pushed people away, I leave exams blank even though I studied and knew the material, I tell people I’m okay when I’m really not. I freeze, and everyone gives me crap for not speaking up for myself. But what they don’t know is that Anxiety likes cover my mouth when I need to speak up the most. Reaching out for help is a quest. I can’t just send out the text, I need to build strength because Anxiety will tackle me to the ground. But if I’m lucky I can stall them with a glass of wine.

I care too much about what other people think of me, and Anxiety tries to do that when I just want to go to sleep. One day they will dump me, but sadly that’s a long way away.