Anxiety sucks. Let's just throw that out there. I've dealt with it since I was 12 and was diagnosed at 16. At first, I went through the "Why Me?" phase, feeling as though I'd been cursed with this awful disease. And yes it is a disease. The older I got, the more demanding the disorder became. High school caused more problems than one could imagine, and college is a whole other story; however, I have learned to manage and even, dare I say, embrace my mental disease.
My world came crashing down a few months after I turned 16, which is when I found out I had an anxiety disorder. I thought everyone went through what I was experiencing, but how wrong I was. As I was checked into Vanderbilt, I knew my life was about to change, but I did not think that what I was experiencing- the fast heart race, the cold sweat, the shakes, the depressed feeling- would one day have my gratitude.
My relationship with Christ has grown and continues to grow daily. I am a flawed human in need of a saving grace. I do not live a perfect life, nor do I pretend to; however, I have a God that saw my anxiety and rescued me despite my imperfections. It makes my human self weak, but it makes my spiritual self stronger. I rely on an almighty God to carry me through my darkest hours and for that reliance I am grateful.
Due to this anxiety disorder, I have connected with individuals on a deeper level. It is hard to talk to someone that has no baggage. People like that come across as not being relatable. Because I deal with this mental disorder on a daily basis, I am able to help others just like me. An opportunity like that would not have been awarded to me if I were not one who suffers from anxiety.
The biggest blessing is that I have been able to share my faith a lot more because of my mental disease. I am not ashamed of what I go through. I am not ashamed that something is wrong with me. And I am certainly not ashamed to share that Christ has carried me through it all.
Anxiety was my worst nightmare at first. A lifetime full of pills, therapy, and having to be aware of your emotional state constantly is not appealing. Although there are severe drawbacks, I decided to not let it stop me. I share my story and the hardships I experience, and because of that, many doors have been opened in my favor. I know something is wrong with me, but I also know that when I go to bed at night, my God is still good and He is still faithful. Without the anxiety disorder, I do not know if I, personally, could make that statement because I don't think I would know the depth of how much I needed God.
