If you’re friends with someone who is shy, quiet, or has social anxiety, you’ve probably noticed times when they’ve disconnected or become uneasy around people. You’ve also probably wondered how you can help them or make them feel more comfortable.

If you know that your friend has social anxiety, it’s important that you don’t tell others without their approval, as many people find their social anxiety embarrassing and don’t want people they don’t trust to know. If someone has confided in you and told you they have social anxiety, know they trust you and make an effort to be there for them. On the other hand, there’s no need to warn people that someone is shy or quiet either. It’s usually equally as embarrassing, and it’s not something worth telling; they’ll find out that they’re quiet on their own.

If you want to be a good friend to your more introverted friend, try to avoid dragging them to large social events with you. Odds are you’ll be able to guilt them into going with a little work, but they’ll be extremely uncomfortable for most, if not all, of the time. Usually the larger the group of people they’re a part of, the quieter they are, which, ironically, makes them more anxious because they’re aware of the fact that they’re not talking much, if at all, and they’re worried they’re being judged for being too quiet.

However, this does not mean go out without them and always leave them behind, sitting in their rooms. Everyone needs a little push every now and then, and confirmation that they’re wanted at an event always makes it more appealing. If you can tell they’re just scared, a little push might be worthwhile for them. If they’re just not interested, though, pushing them is going to be very frustrating because it’s something they’ve been getting most of their lives. There’s just a huge difference between “I really think you’ll enjoy this and really want you to come” and “I want you to go to a party with me because I’m curious as to how you’ll act.” The hardest thing will be distinguishing fear from disinterest.

You would almost never think of it while joking with your friends normally, but do not point things out about them that they can’t control or are caused by their anxiety or nervousness. Things such as “you’re so quiet” or “you speak!” are some of the absolute worst things to say to someone. They know they aren’t talking much, as I said before, and it does make them uncomfortable, so pointing it out to everyone only makes things worse and makes them very embarrassed and self-conscious for the rest of the night. Their nervousness and/or embarrassment will likely make their faces turn red, cause them to sweat a lot, start to shake a little, or anything along those lines. In these cases, do not point those things out either as it will likely make them more anxious and possibly deter them from hanging out with you again in the future. Trust me, it doesn’t need pointing out. We are well aware what’s happening.

Finally, if someone who is generally very shy around people or who you know is socially anxious asks you to go somewhere with them publicly, whether it’s Walmart, the post office, or the bathroom in a place they aren’t familiar, try your best to go with them. Most likely they built up a lot of courage to ask you to go with them and the reason they asked you is probably that they were just too scared to go alone.

Just keep in mind that things you may consider to be harmless jokes can be really embarrassing and upsetting to people with social anxiety or that are just shy. Try to be there for your friend, whether it’s by walking with them to places or trying to deflect jokes about their silence. Showing that you’re making an effort to make them more comfortable definitely doesn’t go unnoticed.