“Darling, I’ve heard it all. You are not fine and don’t try to fake-smile your way out of this one. There’s something wrong and we’re going to get to the bottom of this! Whatever ‘this’ is.”

I realize how naïve I used to be, I used to believe that there was always a cause and effect to this world. That everything was a result of something else.

An ex of mine would completely shut down as we would hang out or even during simple conversation. I would ask the normal question of, “are you OK?” but their response of “yes” or “I am fine” would not reflect their behavior.

Granted, let’s face it the word “fine” is ambiguous. “Fine” can either mean, “I want to strangle my current annoyance until I personally can breathe again,” or it can simply just mean fine. Nonetheless, I used to believe that if there was not anything wrong with someone then that person would not act differently than their normal behavior.

This is not the case, as I did not recognize how wrong I was.

I can’t even remember what we were discussing, but quickly that conversation led to an argument. A one-sided argument that I wanted to win but I didn’t even have an opponent. What I mean by this is that as someone who, at the time had no understanding of anxiety, loudly voiced my frustrations to someone who didn’t even know why they were acting the way that they were.

There was no explanation or reason and as ignorant as I was, I just couldn’t comprehend the lack of one. I constantly asked, “well what’s wrong?” to someone who can feel the way they feel without explanation and warning no matter the stakes.

It took my ex breaking down right in front of me to get the picture.

After we broke up, I vowed to become the person who put themselves first, in regards to the fact that I did not know what love meant much less what it meant to love myself. I found that in order to love myself, I needed to get reacquainted with the person I am.

After years of living through several emotionally abusive relationships, I found myself in a similar situation to that of my ex. I couldn’t place what triggered my emotional unavailability during this current episode but I found that the walls were caving in and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do.

I found out that I was having an anxiety attack.

As an actual broke college student, I cannot afford therapy nor do I want to. I don’t want to know because I tend to avoid confrontation. Even if it is with myself. I don’t particularly know my prognosis but I do know that I do have anxiety, I do know that there are days where I can wake up completely fine and other days where I cannot get out of bed. For no reason in particular. I was very involved in my community in high school now I loathe social gatherings and meeting new people.

I am not the same person I was — as humans, we’re constantly changing. We’re constantly rearranging and it would essentially be inhuman to remain the same.

Not every cause has a direct effect and not everything has a reason. We've just got to live life, as is. There are way more colors of life than simply black and white.