Eat more fruit and spend more time outside. Drink lots of water and #stayhydrated. Make sure your eyebrows are always "on fleek" and that you "stay in your lane". Post more than one picture on Instagram a day because who cares? You do you, baby girl. Post more pictures with the "#selfie" hashtag because feeling good about yourself is cool. Wear lots of makeup and roll your eyes at people who think you do it for attention. Roll your eyes at people who think they're too cool for social media. If you're reading this, chances are you're an upper-middle class white girl. You're probably in a sorority, too. Hit the nail on the head on that one, didn't I? Brag about how your sorority toootally changed your life. OMG, like, throw what you know!! Perfect the skinny-girl-arm and the sorority squat. Start a blog because you're "edgy" and "different". Reblog pictures of girls with long, ombré hair and cats. Quote Charles Bukowski and Marilyn Monroe. "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best!!1!" Get involved with Tumblr activism and become a Social Justice Warrior. Be unrealistically offended by everything. Advocate vehemently for #alllivesmatter. Realize that that's absolute bullshit and change your mind. Realize that voting for Hilary Clinton doesn't automatically make you a feminist. Click "attending" on every Bernie Sanders event to show all your friends how politically involved you are. You're so hip. Look at you go. Socialism is cool, guys!
Pretend you like eating salads and talk about how healthy you are. Make half-assed attempts at going to the gym. Gain weight and act like you're surprised. Eventually stop worrying about it, because you realize you look great. Pro tip: if your ass looks big in that, that's a good thing. Change your name on Facebook as a thinly-veiled attempt to make it look like you have your life together. Sorry, Soozanuh Likes2Party, your employers will still find you.
Spend a semester abroad and drive everyone nuts talking about it. Have your parents pay for everything and talk about how easy it is to go abroad. "Just stay in cheap hostels and find cheap flights, you guys!" Be obnoxious all you want because, hey, we're all annoying in one way or another, right? Anyway, don't care about what people think about you. Fuck da haterz. LOL just kidding! You should probably care a little.
Laugh at boys who share articles from totalfratmove.com on their News Feeds. Lose respect for anyone who is impatient with waiters at restaurants. Hold the door open for the people behind you. Speak out against police brutality. Side-eye anyone who cites Fox News as a credible news source. Support people of color. Use correct pronouns for people. Stand up for the transgender community. Be respectful. Be a good fucking person. If you believe in God, pray more. Call your parents. Take everything with a grain of salt and just keep doing your thang, girl. It's all good.
