To My Brother:
I love you so much.
A great deal of my identity is wrapped up in you.
Whenever I see you suffering from your Multiple Sclerosis, I die a little more inside. I cry for you often. I cry because I miss who you were. I cry because who you are now is no one. It's unfair that at 31 years old, you are completely debilitated from Multiple Sclerosis.
When we were growing up, no one said my name without yours immediately following it. We go together like peanut butter and jelly.
You were there when Jermaine and his friends assaulted me in the basement.
You were there when The Upstairs Man assaulted me in the basement.
We had endless adventures in the house and on the street of Hamlen.
We both became moody teenagers who took each other for granted.
Then as we became adults, we found our way to each other again. We're like twins.
Which is why your Multiple Sclerosis is paralyzing me too.
Know that when your hurting, I am too. When your body abandons the signals coming from your brain, mine does too. When you cry, I do too. When you want to just give up and die, I do too. When you're struggling and trying to get at least a crumb of salvation, I am too. We are one.
I wish you hadn't lost everything you had. I wish you would have had children so I could spoil them rotten and always tell them about how energetic and how special you are. I wish that you could walk again. I wish Multiple Sclerosis had never happened to you.
I miss the day-long phone calls we used to have. I miss the games we played as kids. I miss your conspiracy theories. I miss opening Christmas presents with you every year. I miss your laughter. I miss how we played as children — growing up in a world that didn't have cell phones, internet, or even a television set. I miss seeing you be independent.
What lays in the nursing home bed day after day is not my brother. You've become an empty shell. Where is your soul now? Why have you been forsaken? Why do I wish I could have Multiple Sclerosis too just so I can be near you always?
Because I don't understand your disease. I don't understand why it had to take your joy from your life. I don't understand the bigger picture your Multiple Sclerosis plays in our lives. I don't want to be in a world that your not in. Why did this have to happen to you?
I'm sorry for all the times your moody teenage angst made me resent you. I'm sorry I can't take care of you. I'm sorry I picked on you as a kid. I'm sorry we didn't share more interests. I'm sorry your life was taken from you. I'm sorry for not being a better sister.
I miss you.
I love you so much.