This past week, I was able to catch up with a close friend of mine. While we were catching up, we ended up reminiscing about our high school experiences. More specifically, we ended up talking about both of our experiences in high school youth group. The two of us had pretty different experiences in regards to religion and the church in general, but we both had one thing in common. Neither of us ever truly felt we belonged in these groups or felt that we were included, and for the most part we still don’t feel that the church wants to include us.

In my personal opinion, church is one of the most exclusive organizations a person can be involved in. It has never been easy for me to feel included in the church, and these are some of the reasons why I think this is the case.

1. You have to grow up in the church to get to know anyone.

I’ve moved around a lot my whole life, so I’ve never had the chance to grow up in a church. But it seems that everyone that has gone to the same church their whole lives seem to fit well into that church. During the time that those children grow into adults, they form their own friend groups and too often these groups become too exclusive and no one new can be a part of them.

2. You have to be perfect.

People in the church want to come across as perfect Christians. They don’t want to talk about the messy parts of their own lives, and they only want to hear yours so that they have something to gossip about. Too often I’ve found that my authenticity with others has only worked out to my disadvantage.

3. They have to pick you.

Not too long ago, my boyfriend and I visited a church that I thought we could really fit well into. We visited the church, but not a single person said hello to us. We decided to give the church a second shot, but on our second visit the pastor greeted visitors sitting behind us and completely ignored us again. Yes, we could have made more of an effort to introduce ourselves, but I’ve noticed that this always seems to happen to me. Sometimes it’s not that we have to pick the church we want to go to, but the church has to pick us. If the church doesn’t pick you, they probably won’t include you.

4. People my own age don’t care.

When it comes to twenty-somethings, it’s hard to find ones that attend church regularly. I’ve had a hard time finding people to be friends with at church just because they aren’t really attending church. But on the odd chance that there are people my age, very often they already have an established and exclusive friend group. It’s hard to be friends with people that aren’t interested in being friends with you.

I really wish it wasn’t this hard to be a part of the Church. I hope it doesn’t always stay this way. Exclusivity is not the message of the Gospel, and I hope that Christians can truly learn that and express that.