In May of this year, I lost my grandfather to colon cancer that spread to his stomach and invaded his most crucial organs. After swallowing that reality, I knew that I needed help facing the grief that had slowly begun to consume me.
I decided to reach out to a grief counselor in my town. I spent an hour a week with him, learning the truth about grief and how to confront mine.
During the months that I spent with my grief counselor, I learned a lot about grief and the common misconceptions our society has about it. So, here are four truths about grief:
1. Grief is not as simple as "five stages."
Grief is different for every person. You have no idea how you will respond when faced with grief. In no way is every person dealing with grief going to go through the same five stages, in the same order, for the same amount of time. Commonly, we study grief as consisting of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Grief isn’t that simple. You don’t grieve for five weeks, a week at each stage. It’s been nearly five months since my grandfather passed away, and I’m still struggling the most with denial, it doesn’t feel real. I wish it were more simple. I wish I knew when the suffering would end. But, like many things in life, grief isn’t simple.
2. Grief is a rollercoaster.
Grief isn’t like climbing a mountain; it’s not starting from the bottom of the bottom and working your way out. Grief isn’t concrete. There’s no timeline. I can’t say, “Oh, it’s really bad today, but it’ll be better tomorrow.” It’s different for every person, and I think that’s why it’s so scary. We can’t study it; we can’t possibly know how we’re going to react when we’re faced with the worst. Some days will be high, some will be low, some will be moderately flat, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to have bad days.
3. Grief has no algorithm.
Grief doesn’t care; grief doesn’t have restrictions. You can experience grief following a death in the family, a loss of a pet, a bad grade, or any kind of change. Our society would have us believe that facing a death in the family is incredibly different than getting a bad grade. However, both can affect our worlds in the same way. Grief has no rules.
4. Grief is disruptive.
When you grieve, you’re working towards two goals: understanding and accepting that this is the new normal. To get to that place, you must understand that whatever happened has disrupted the rhythm of your life. Take a mental health day, take a mental health week. Check out for a while. Grief is disruptive, and it’s best not to fight it. Give in to that disruption and work towards accepting that this is the new normal.
Final Thoughts:
Grief affects everyone differently. Unfortunately, that’s what makes it so hard to understand. Don’t go searching for the answers our society would have you believe. Because, in reality, your grief journey is unique to you. But that doesn’t mean you have to face it alone.