It's been awhile since I did anything for this ongoing theme, but that is because I needed time. Even after five years, I still need time to write about it. And what you are about to read does contain triggers, just in case anyone was worried. These words just need to be said before I convince myself, yet again, I don't need to raise my voice.

The first thing I think of when I think of my rapist is, well, a lot of emotions. There's pain, anger, frustration, and a lot of disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I know adding the last word is a bit odd. But here's why I did. I still feel disappointed knowing that I will never be fully able to get justice because no one told me what a rape kit was. And it hurts to know the mask he wore in front of the rest of the family can still trick others.

Or that sometimes I feel so small because not everyone is taking my first-hand experience with this other face of his seriously. All they seem to see is his "redeemed" side. Which, sorry to say, cannot exist. A rapist is a rapist.

The next thing I need to say is that I hate how many limits I had with this at the time and still have now. I couldn't send him to jail, but I did what I could to protect my younger family members. Those kids mean the world to me and sometimes the actions I've already taken don't feel like enough. And it never will.

Also, his apologies and ploys were and are only to help himself. He never cared about me as a cousin should have. And the only apology I received through message? It was a load of bull. He's always only protected himself from everyone else. And old habits die hard.

But ultimately, I hate how he gets to live his life unscathed and happy, while I had to deal with the memory-based nightmares and the ultimate struggle to piece myself back together. I'm a puzzle with missing pieces still, but one day I'll be whole again.

My fear in those moments all those years ago, clinging to the hope that if he got what he would be my cousin again, still makes me sick. Compared to then, I hate who I was. But, I felt like I had no choice and the manipulation was intense. Keep this secret, keep that secret... how about no?

I'm a stronger person now, and I love who I am and the voice I have gathered through Odyssey. But there are still problems left unsolved. He is a monster.

Though I have found peace in a few things. Karma ultimately will take a shark bite out of him, and that day will be the day I grin from ear to ear.

The point: I'm mad, protective, and ready to rid this parasite from those that I love. I did what I had to in fear because I wanted to stay safe. I protected people I would take bullets for because it was the right thing to do. And I still want justice.