The other day, I wasn't feeling emotionally well. I felt trapped within the walls of my own mind. My thoughts were speeding through the black screen that covered me when I closed my eyes. I just laid there, being the victim of my thoughts.
Part of me wanted to move, go somewhere outside my dorm room — go somewhere far where nobody had the barest idea of who I was. I was feeling hopeless, sad, like a complete total failure. But, also, another part of me just wanted to stay in bed and brood in my own emotions.
A bigger part of me, however, wanted an escape somewhere, but I didn't feel like being alone. I began craving somebody's company. Most of the people I knew were unavailable: some were working, others had gone back to their homes for the weekend, and others were just busy. In the end, it felt like there was nobody.
There is a saying that I've been told quite a lot as I grew up: Being alone is better than bad company. Not that I'm shit-talking about the people I know; they are all amazing people. But my own company that night was the best type of comfort and attention I could've asked for.
At one point in the night, I decided I didn't want to keep spending my time like that: laying in bed, lights off, depressing music playing in the background. (Yes, I'm that dramatic bitch.) I ended going out by myself.
I always thought that going to the movies by myself was the loneliest thing I could ever do. I always told myself I wasn't going to do that because being alone is something I really dislike. But that night, somehow, I enjoyed myself.
I walked into the movie theater, even though I had planned on going to the Santa Monica pier at first— but my feet dragged me there. I bought my own ticket for Deadpool, bought some nachos and went and watched the movie.
My entire attention was solely fixed on the huge screens and bright colors. I wasn't thinking about anybody that wasn't there with me in the movies, wondering if they were enjoying it as much as I was.
The movie was done, and then I realized how I was full of a warm and sunny feeling. I felt happy afterward. The movie had been amazing; the nachos too, even though I didn't finish them. I ended up having a good time.
Maybe now that I have experienced this, I might start trying it more often. Sometimes we feel like being alone sounds miserable, but you can be the best company you can offer yourself. Going out with yourself, letting your feet drag you around. You think a lot, and you end up doing things you didn't know you wanted to do.
Maybe my bank account will regret that decision, but the memory will be worth it. Before that night, I couldn't remember a day where I had been comfortable with just myself. It showed me that I can still enjoy who I am, and how I shouldn't be always dependent on others.