I remember when I made the decision to move to Thailand, a year and a half ago, everyone reminded me to think about what I was doing. More so, to remind me not to be running away from anything. Running away from pain, running away from myself, or even running away from the idea of being somewhere where I've always called home. And, being who I was, of course, I wasn't running from anything. I gagged at the idea of someone traveling to find themselves because essentially you should be able to find yourself where you are. Either way, you are the one person you will always have to put up with. So the idea of me moving to a different country to "find myself" or to "run from myself" was a bit ridiculous.
But here I am. Here I am working on my third month in Thailand. But before I go into who I am now, let me give you an idea of who I was. I was the one to always say "no" to plans, even though to this day I defend why I said no, but I said it a bit too much. I said no to about every plan that came my way. I talked about the same things I had been talking about with the same people for months. I had been talking about the same people, I had been going to the same places, and I had been doing the same things that I had been doing for years.
I absolutely loved college and everyone I had the chance to get close to, but that's about it. Greensboro in four years became what my hometown was to me after eighteen years. I was just tired and ready to leave. I didn't care to leave my apartment because I knew what was outside of it. I enjoyed people in small doses because that is all I could handle at the time. I was even okay with death. Not the death that I would bring upon myself, but the death that would come when it's my time to go.
And now, this me doesn't seem to come around anymore. I am terrified of death because there is so much world out there that I haven't seen yet. There are people who I haven't met who I know I will come to love. People who I deserve and, at the moment, deserve me. Who I am now is okay doing nothing after a long day of doing everything that I can. I love exploring and talking to new people. There are people I have met because I put myself in a position to be as open as I could with them, who are now people I consider so lucky to have met. I love that I am in a place where I can be ignorant and have every chance to learn something new, and I am open to putting myself in situations that I would completely avoid back home. Although I have come off my anxiety medication, which has held me back some, I am a me that I didn't think existed.
I didn't come here with the plan of being someone new nor was I trying to run away from anything, but inevitably, both have become an agenda for me. I have pushed myself more here than I have ever pushed myself before. Anxiety has been an enemy for so long and I knew that was someone else I would bring with me here, so I had to tackle it differently. And, now that I find myself happy here, I am now running from who I was and going back to America.
I have this fear that if I go back home, I will end up being who I once was, so I know when I am ready to leave Thailand that I will be running from going home. Although this isn't necessarily a bad thing to be running from, I just have found myself in a place and time where I am grateful to be alive and I remember when I didn't feel that way.