Over a year ago I chose to go to Thailand for my Spring Break. Not only did I meet my grandpa and his wife for the first time, but I lived with them. And although it was just a week, it changed my entire plan of how I wanted things to be for myself after college. I not only traveled alone, but I knew I was about to spend a week with family and people I have never met before. Not only did the time I spent with them change my life but the people throughout the five different airports did as well.
Now a year and four months later, I am going back. Everything in my life right now is exactly the way I want it. I have an amazing family who will be so hard to leave, I have graduated from college, I have become friends with the most beautiful people, and I have met a man who has shown me what love is. Although it has broken me down the past few months knowing I am about to leave all that is good in my life behind, for the time being, I am still doing it.
But why? Why now and not later? Why would I leave everything I didn't think I would once have for something I am so unsure of?
Regret. I refuse to wake up in two years and regret not going across the globe because a guy wants me to be with him. I refuse to stay because of family and friends. I refuse to wake up for a 9-5 job wishing I took the opportunity to live in Thailand. I refuse to worry about all that comes after I come back. I refuse to regret not taking the chance to travel. I simply refuse to let myself stay in America and do what is normally expected of a 21-year-old graduate when I have the opportunity to go outside of what is comfortable for myself.
And of course, I do think "what if?" What if I come back and those friends are no longer my friends? What if I come back and this guy has moved on? What if I come back and am forced to live with my parents because finding a job is that hard? What if I cannot get into graduate school? What if I become a failure? Or, what if I am not meant to come back?
These questions and more sit with me every day and have for the four months building up to me leaving. They have become what has kept me up at night along with the excitement of not knowing. I am such a control freak and having absolutely no control has left me anxious but so thrilled for what is next. And truthfully, regret keeps me going. Regret reminds me that everything that is mine will be mine when I come back but all that I do not take now will not be mine later.
Jobs, love, opportunities, friends, and family; It will all be right where I left it if it is meant for me. But now, as I have the opportunity to move across the country with only having to buy my plane ticket, that is what is meant for me now. As I get older and become more settled, I might never get this opportunity again.