I'm at a point in my life point in my life where everything is simultaneously awful and fantastic. Let me explain.

Let's start with the good, shall we?

I'm so close to graduating I can almost taste it. I love Ball State so, so much, but I'm also so ready to be a real teacher it hurts sometimes. I'm ready to be out in the world teaching kids and making amazing theatre that I choose. That's only a year and a half away.

And only a year away is my student teaching, plus my first time living somewhere other than Indiana for more than a week without my parents. I will be spending approximately four months in Texas for my student teaching, assuming they can give me a placement--which shouldn't be a problem. This is a great opportunity for me because all I've ever wanted is to get out of Indiana and to live in or near a big city. Now I will get the chance to live in Houston, which is so exciting.

I don't think I've ever had more of a support system. Not only that, I don't think my support system has ever trusted my choices as much as they do now. My parents are finally listening to me and my explanation for why I do things and trusting that I can make decisions that will ultimately help me. My friends trust that there is a method to all my madness and that every step of the way will somehow get me to the "happy ending" I've always talked about.

Though, I struggle with it sometimes still, I mostly have a control on my anxiety and depression. I have my moments, of course, but most days I actually start out the day feeling good and have motivation to get out of bed once I actually wake up.

Now, that's all well and good, but it isn't always like that.

I'm not a real teacher and that can be frustrating. I feel so ready and am often put in the position of a teacher or a director--which is pretty well the same thing in my major considering that I want to be a classroom teacher and not a teaching artist--but everything I do has to be approved by several other people. I can't just say, "Yes, I want to do that!" and it'll happen. It sounds much more like, "I would love to do that, but I have to ask like three other people if it's okay if I do that." It's also very frustrating that I seem to be in that weird part of my life where people both trust my decisions as a creative, educated young woman, but also still see me as a dumb kid who doesn't know what she's talking about.

My busy schedule is killing me slowly. I'm very aware of the fact that it won't be nearly as bad after spring break, but right now I'm being stretched to my absolute limits and I feel like I'm about to break. I'm taking 12 credit hours, working 10-14 hours a week at the mall, taking care of things for my show nine or more hours a week, and participating in my sorority as much as I possibly can. On top of that, there seems to be some sort of crisis I have to deal with or meeting I have to go to at least once a week.

I still struggle to balance my social anxiety and normal anxiety. I will panic that I've been alone too much and people think I'm a hermit then overcompensate and spend so much time with people that I have to spend way too much time alone and then the cycle restarts.

When I do have a low moment, it gets really low. If you ask me how I'm doing casually or in a crowded setting, I will probably tell you that I'm alive or awake or here or fine, but if you get me talking one on one in silence--because if there's music I can play it off or ignore it easier--I might very well start crying because I'm so stressed and it doesn't help the depression by any means.

I think my mom put it best when we were on the phone last night. I'm just at a transitional point in my life where I'm trying to balance between what I've been doing and what I need to do next.