How A Toxic Relationship Can Ruin Your Life

How A Toxic Relationship Can Ruin Your Life

My mother has become toxic and at times it's hard.
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A mother is a woman who is supposed to be there for you and support you. Someone to love you and maybe say "I'm proud of you."

I never really had that. My mom has been there, yes, but since I have gotten older it's like I am fading away.

Throughout middle/high school it was always an on and off relationship. At times it was abusive. I didn't know things were abusive till one of my family members told me what she is doing isn't right. The yelling all the time. She thinks I'm responsible for her happiness. She would make it seem like the only thing she cares about is her dogs and herself. Would compare me to my sister or someone else's child.

Still to this day I am fading away from her. It's like I am not even her daughter. She doesn't care that I work, pay my own bills, and take care of myself. I recently paid for a Disney vacation and apparently that was a bad thing to do.

The sad thing is that I always let her back in my life, thinking she has changed, but in all honesty, I just get hurt again. It sucks knowing you have a mother but she wants nothing to do with you.

When you feel her dogs are more important than you. Or when you feel like you are the problem and it hurts knowing things have got so bad with your family that you blame yourself.

I am just so thankful to the family who have been there for me. My father, sisters, cousins, aunt, and uncle. They are the best people I could have asked for. When I need to vent or talk about how I am feeling they are there to listen. They have let me know that nothing is my fault in a toxic relationship. I can't say thank you enough to the people who have helped take care of me when someone wasn't there.

Cover Image Credit: http://previously.tv

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To The Boy Who Will Love Me Next

If you can't understand these few things, leave before things get too involved
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To the boy that will love me next, I need you to know and understand things about me and my past. The things I have been though not only have shaped the person I’ve become, but also sometimes controls my life. In the past I’ve been used, abused, and taken for granted, and I want something real this time. The guys before you were just boys; they didn’t know how to treat me until it was too late. They didn’t understand how to love me, until I broke my own heart. Before you truly decide to love me I want you to understand these things.

When I tell you something, please listen.

I’m my own person, I want to be loved a certain way. If I ask you to come over and watch movies with me please do it, if I ask for you to leave me alone for a few hours because it’s a girl’s night please do it. I don’t just say things to hear my own voice, I say things to you because it’s important to my life and the way I want to be loved. I’m not a needy person when it comes to being loved and cared for, but I do ask for you to do the small things that I am say.

Forgive my past.

My past is not a pretty brick road, it is a highway that has a bunch of potholes and cracks in it. I have a lot of baggage, and most of it you won’t understand. But don’t let my past decided whether you want to love me or not. My past has helped form who I am today, but it does not define who I am. My past experiences might try and make an appearance every once in a while, but I will not go back to that person I once was, I will not return to all that hurt I once went though. When I say those things, I’m telling the complete and honest truth. I relive my past every day, somethings haunt me and somethings are good reminds. But for you to love me, I need you to accept my past, present and future.

I’m just another bro to the other guys.

I have always hung out with boys, I don’t fit in with the girl groups. I have 10 close girlfriends, but the majority of my friends are guy, but don’t let this scare you. If I wanted to be with one of my guy friends I would already be with him, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t want them because I’m with you. I will not lose my friendships with all my guy friends to be able to stay with you. I will not cut off ties because you don’t like my guy friends. I have lost too many buddies because of my ex-boyfriends and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again. If you don’t like how many guy friends I have you can leave now. Don’t bother trying to date me if you can accept the fact I’m just another bro.

I might be a badass, but I actually have a big heart.

To a lot of people I come off to be a very crazy and wild girl. I will agree I can be crazy and wild, but I’m more than that. I’m independent, caring, responsible, understanding, forgiving, and so such more type of woman. Many people think that I’m a badass because I don’t take any negatively from anyone. Just like we learned when we were younger, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Most people can’t do that in today’s world, so I stick up for myself and my friends. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or their option on how I live my life. The only thing I care about is being able to make myself happy. Even though I’m an independent woman, understand that I do have a big heart. Honesty when I truly care for someone I will do just about anything they ask, but don’t take advantage of this. Once you take advantage of this part of me, all respect will be lost for you.

I’m hard to love.

Sometimes I want to be cuddle and get attention, and sometimes I don’t want you to talk to me for a couple hours. Sometimes I want you to take me out for a nice meal, but sometimes I want a home cooked meal. Every day is different for me, sometimes I change my mind every hour. My mood swings are terrible on certain days, and on those days you should probably just ignore me. I’m not easy to love, so you’ll either be willing to find a way to love me, or you’ll walk out like so many others have.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to love someone again. I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, and beat to the ground in my past relationships. I want to believe you are different, I want to hope things will truly work out, but every relationship has always ended up the same way. I’m scared to trust someone, put my whole heart into them, just to be left and heartbroken again. I sick and tired of putting my whole body and soul into someone for them to just leave when it is convenient for them. If you want to love me, understand it won’t be easy for me to love you back.

When “I’m done.”

When I say “I’m done” I honestly don’t mean that I’m done. When I say that it means I need and want you to fight for me, show me why you want to be with me. I need you to prove that I’m worth it and there’s no one else but me. If I was truly done, I would just walk away, and not come back. So if I ever tell you, “I’m done,” tell me all the reasons why I’m truly not done.

For the boy who will love me next, the work is cut out for you, you just have to be willing to do it. I’m not like other girls, I am my own person, and I will need to be treated as such. For the boy that will love me next, don’t bother with me unless you really want to be with me. I don’t have time to waste on you if you aren’t going to try and make something out of us. To the boy who will love me next, the last thing I would like to say is good luck, I have faith in you.

Cover Image Credit: Danielle Balint

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My Parents Deserve To Be Celebrated 365 Days A Year, Not Just On Mother's And Father's Day

One day a year is not enough to express how thankful I am for my mother and father. I don't think 365 days will do it justice, either.

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Mother's and Father's Day. Days of the year where everyone is expected to focus all their attention on the mothers and fathers of the world. They do so many things that are never recognized, just expected of them. It's their duties as mothers and fathers to take care of, protect, love, and do all means necessary to make their children happy. That's what they signed up for, right?

We use Mother's and Father's Day to step back and thank our parents for all the little things they've done over the past years. For 24 hours, we end up showering them in attention, gifts, and love. It's our turn to spoil them back.

After those 24 hours are gone though, what happens? All the sappy social media posts fade away. The handwritten cards get tossed out. The festivities end. Everyone goes back to their daily routines.

I always found it funny how on these days every year, everyone in the world is all hands on deck, spoiling our moms and dads in any way possible. My siblings and I would always get our parents cards, small gifts, and maybe have a special dinner together that day.

As I grow older, I'm starting to understand how silly a day like Mother's and Father's Day really is. My parents are the greatest superheroes I have ever met, so they should be celebrated, appreciated, and taken care of not just one day, but every day of the damn year.

My parents have raised me from day one, supporting me through all the highs and lows. They picked me up when I fell down and scraped my knee on the concrete. They dealt with me through every temper tantrum and angry episode. They didn't kill me during my teenage years (I was the biggest brat).

They've spent God only knows how much money to support me in all of my endeavors. They sat and let me cry on their shoulders when I got my heart broken for the first time. They continue to pick up the phone in the late hours of the night when I'm having a panic attack about something silly.

They stood by me as I graduated from middle school, high school, and college. They'll continue to support me as I move out and on, getting married and having a family of my own.

My mom and dad have been there for me 365 days a year, every year. I think it's my turn to be there for them 365 days a year, not just on Mother's and Father's Day.

I know it's hard to do so right now as I am at an unstable time of my life, but one day I will be able to give back everything they have given to me, and more.

So, to my wonderful parents, my role models, and my heroes:

Thank you for taking care of me, protecting me, loving me, and doing all things necessary to make me happy. I don't think any amount of words, hugs, or kisses will be able to truly show how blessed I am to have parents like you. I love you both so much, and I promise to celebrate you every day, 365 days a year.

You mean the world to me, and I hope you know that you've done an amazing job raising my siblings and I. I hope to one day be half the parent that you are. Thank you for being you. I love you so much.

Happy Mother's and Father's Day to all the parents out there. Although those holidays are absolutely your days to shine, I hope you get showered in love 365 days a year, too.

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