I grew up with the skewed thinking that love and protection were interchangeable.
I was programmed at an early age to believe that the men I date and the man I would marry would protect me. And I held on to this philosophy until it was beaten out of me.
You never think it’s going to happen. You are smart enough and you are kind enough and you are pretty enough that no one would ever want to hurt you.
And then it happens once. And you know deep down it’ll never happen again.
You are smart enough and you are kind enough and you are pretty enough that he won't do it again. And you keep thinking and believing that he won't until one day you’re standing in front of a mirror holding back tears because if you cry the makeup will stream down and everyone will see the rainbow of colors he stained on your cheek.
And right then, you know you are not smart enough and you aren’t kind enough and you aren’t pretty enough for him to stop.
After you get out of that toxic relationship –IF you get out of that toxic relationship alive– you think it's over, but it's not.
I feel him in my mother’s touch when she braids my hair and skims my neck with the back of her hand.
I feel him in my tears when I cry because I never knew, standing in the mirror that day, that I would ever stop.
I feel him in my heart when I am happy because I was once happy with him and I never thought I would be happy again.
So I will no longer laugh at jokes about being beaten because “laughing a little and not being so uptight” will not undo the scars he left behind. And I will no longer hold onto the skewed thinking that love and protection are interchangeable. It has been beaten out of me.