This topic has come up a lot recently and I think to do it justice, this will require several pieces to tackle the issue as eloquently and holistically as possible. This is only the beginning.

My approach to the topic of toxic masculinity comes at a very poised angle. As a queer individual that is more often than not female presenting, I experience much of the backlash of toxic masculinity and seldom what I suppose is considered “the good parts” by my other male counterparts.

That said, I am by no means an expert on the issue, I only wish to discuss it.

Toxic masculinity is the social byproduct imparted on young boys by the patriarchy to grow up and exhibit hyper-masculinity in an aggressive manor. Masculinity by definition is the absence of femininity; and while there is nothing inherently wrong with masculinity, the issue is put in place when you consider the implications of its celebration is a lack of femininity. Essentially, boys are praised for not being girls. Inherently, boys are assumed to be the stronger sex which can lead the the 7-year-old child of a single mother being told he’s the “man of the house” and has to “take care of her.” Heavy weight for a child, don’t you think?

Now, the purpose of this is not to say that men are the victims to toxic masculinity, nor it is an excuse for toxic behavior. Simply a causation and explanation. By the time male-identifying people reach puberty they are expected to know right from wrong, aren’t they? They’re expected to know how to treat people, how to treat women. And I don’t mean age-old chivalry; opening doors, paying for dates. What I’m referring to is the audacity of the concept of treating women with respect on an equal playing field.

This, for some men, is not even something they’d consider. It’s preposterous to them. They find themselves superior and sometimes its unconscious, something they’ve been told their whole lives. But oft time it is a conscious act to be a misogynist, coupled with aggressive heterosexuality. And, that has to be changed. Having sex with a woman and going behind her back and bragging about it to people and comparing notes with other men is unacceptable. Talking over a woman and interrupting her when she is speaking is unacceptable. Attempting to undermine a woman’s position of power because you’re afraid of change is unacceptable. Taking charge of a situation without prompt or request and to begin barking orders because you’re a man is unacceptable.

There is no need to become aggressively defensive when your errors are made known to you; instead, fix them.

You cannot sit out this discussion. You cannot be a male-identifying person and say “oh, I’m not part of the problem she doesn’t mean me” when your female friend says “all men suck.” Because she does; she means offenders and bystanders. To sit back and watch men belittle or talk over women is almost as bad as doing it yourself. White cis-het men have always been in a position of power, and they still are. If they truly believe themselves allies then it is their job to explain to their brethren when they're in the wrong and how to improve.

This piece isn’t to call out toxic masculinity and suggest a solution. If you think you exhibit signs of toxic masculinity, talk to your female-identifying friends, ask them how they feel and what actions you can take to make them feel more comfortable. It’s not about sparing feelings and dancing around the subject; it’s about person to person respect.