Let's be real: spiders are terrifying. They are evil spawns of Satan. Whenever I see one I immediately scream until someone else comes to kill it. What did you say? People are supposed to catch spiders and then humanely release them in the great outdoors? Nope. Sorry, bud. They deserve to die. Here are the ten things I would do if I just so happened to find one in my bed.
1. Begin to cry.
I feel like this does not need to be explained.
2. Change my name and move to Iceland.
I would have to remove myself from the situation. You know, be as far away as possible? Iceland is pretty far.
3. Time travel to 1864 to ask Abraham Lincoln if I should set my bed on fire.
I just feel like he would give good advice. He would be super honest with me about the situation and I feel like he would definitely tell me to set my bed on fire, thus ending the life of the spider.
4. Actually set my bed on fire.
If this happened, then Abe either agreed with my reasoning and shared the same fear of spiders or told me it was a bad idea. Either way, there is no doubt I would set my bed on fire if I found a spider.
5. Pour hot coffee in my eyes.
Yes, I might have permanent eye damage, but at least I will never see another spider in my bed.
6. Fling myself into the sun.
No explanation needed.
7. Cry some more.
Wait, did I say this already?
8. Apologize to Spider-Man.
I mean, the spider was probably his friend.
9. Buy a new bed.
Actually, before this, I would probably call my mom and tell her I was sorry for over-reacting and setting my bed on fire. Then I would buy a new bed.
10. Try to move on from the traumatic event
After doing all of these things, I would have to move on by getting into my new bed (in my new house in Iceland) and by praying that I would never have to go through this again.