11 Things I Want To Do Instead Of Writing This Week
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11 Things I Want To Do Instead Of Writing This Week

I don't care what the sub-headline is.

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11 Things I Want To Do Instead Of Writing This Week
Tim Gouw

I'm taking a break today.

Rather than writing big, fancy words to further the delusion of just how insightful and intelligent I try to keep my Odyssey personality as, dumb gifs will be much more evident. If you're looking for some linear piece about kneeling during the National Anthem or an unironic article about why Donald Trump is literally the worst thing to ever happen to the world in the billions of years the planet has existed, you'll find it in every other corner of this site. Sorry to disappoint the masses.

I'm taking a break because I'm exhausted and I really, really, *really* don't want to write something for my weekly deadline. So here it is--a list of things I'd rather be doing than writing this week.

1. Sleep.

Sleeping is my favorite. My bed has always been there for me when nobody else was and, like the scum I am, I've abandoned it by choosing to write this instead of being warmly nestled within the warmth and protection of it. Club Bed has only one name on the guest list tonight and that name is me. If only time could speed up so I can just sleep my useless life away.

2. Work.

There is so much to do at my office right now but instead of being a responsible member of society by putting my time and energy into work, I'm writing this. I literally had to tell a subordinate to "just set those spreadsheets on my desk. I have to cite this Dee-Dee gif real quick." Ugh I'm going to get fired. I just know it. I know what they say about me at the water cooler. I've seen the looks they throw at me. At least lunch is approaching...

3. Eat something.

Oh wait. I just realized I can't eat lunch because I'm writing this. Sorry, tummy, I guess you're gonna have to starve. I'd like to feed you but I can't because writing this is more important than doing something I literally have to do to survive. Whatever. I need to lose weight anyway. Just last week, someone standing at the urinal next to me asked if I was pregnant.

4. Go outside.

I just took 3 seconds out of my day to look outside my window. I took 3 seconds I don't have the luxury of spending to marvel at the beauty happening right outside the confines of this writing prison. I want to climb a tree or go for a walk, but I can't because every second I sit here typing is a second my body withers away in decay. I will never be this young again and I'm spending my time inside writing this--something nobody is going to read anyway.

5. Read a book.

In school, teachers told me that reading unlocks imagination or whatever. I just love reading because I catch glimpses of the adventures of people that actually have control over their lives. If my life had a book, it'd be about me sitting at a desk and finding gifs for silly little internet articles. Is this my legacy? Is this all I'll leave behind?

6. Go to the beach.

The beach is just so calming. I know I could relax there. Oh wait, I forgot that MTV just made "Siesta Key," a series about a beach I go to quite often. So now it's flooded with tourists and douchebags that leave their trash everywhere and park in two spaces like the horrible garbage people they are. Never heard of this show? I wrote an article about it a few weeks ago. I mean, that's kinda all I do now anyways, right? Instead of learning another language, falling in love or just finding ways to cure my crippling depression, writing articles is what my life has become.

7. Go on a date.

I'm expected to write an article with all of this built up sexual frustration inside of me? Haven't I suffered enough? I can't even remember the last time I hugged a girl. I'm so, so alone and that's how I'll die. Alone. At least I'll have all of my other Odyssey articles I wrote when passion and joy fueled my life to keep me company.

8. Visit a museum.

What better way to prove my insignificance as a creator than by touring a museum filled with great works made by great artists? Creators that were and still are revered and admired. I wonder what I'll be remembered for. Probably my massive collection of participation awards.

9. Clean out my closet.

I'd like to clean out my closet but I can't because I have to write this article. It doesn't matter anyway, though. I can barely afford new clothes because of my low-paying job that I hate. And I can't donate my clothes to any thrift stores because they're not fashionable enough. I guess I could donate to Goodwill but I don't want to be turned away by them again for being too smelly to sell.

10. Go Bowling

I want to go bowling but the very few friends I actually have will make fun of me because I need bumpers. I also don't want to repeat last week when I went to the bowling alley where I accidentally slipped and broke my fingers because they were stuck in the ball. Writing articles with broken fingers just makes writing this week harder than it already is.

11. Go for a drive.

The open road leads to a planet filled with amazing discoveries and sights. Yet here I sit. Writing. I guess I should be thankful I'm stuck here, though. My horrible taste in music would probably lead to terrible road trip playlists anyway. Not to mention my horrible manslaughter record. My sponsor says I need to control my road rage but he doesn't have to write this so he can't understand my pain.


I guess that's it then. There are so many more things I want to do but I realize my deadline is approaching to submit this. Let's see what my editor has to say about all of this ;)

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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