I fell through an elevated surface, cussed an Alabama football player out for hitting on high schooler and calling me ugly and broke both of my passenger side tires... all in one weekend.
It’s the weekend after we get back from sprannngg breakkkk. Everyone is excited and Luke Bryan is in town. Tuscaloosa is lit. If the weekend has ever gotten the best of you and you need to feel better about your own degeneracy, read this.
Friday:
I fell through an elevated surface. I’m at my boyfriend’s fraternity, havin’ a grand old time doin’ my thing. Dixieland Delight comes on and everyone loses their minds. I decide to stand on the table with literally everyone else and scream the song. It’s tradition. My friends are saying something along the lines of watch out, so I back away from the edge and fall through a freakin' trap door. In front of God and everyone, I fell through the middle of the damn thing. I am so angry now.
We had learned about PR stunts in one of my classes so I start yelling about how this is a PR stunt to get on Old Row. “DELTA CEREAL PIE LITERALLY WANTS GIRLS TO FALL THROUGH THIS DAMN HOLE TO GET ON OLD ROW. THIS IS A PR STUNT TO GET ON OLD ROW. DELTA CEREAL PIE MADE A TRAP DOOR FOR GIRLS TO FALL THROUGH!!!!!!”
Luke Bryan is in Tuscaloosa and I did not get to meet him.
Saturday:
I yelled two of our star players. We’re walking to our ride, who also plays for Alabama, and football prodigy #1 starts catcalling our high school friend in the middle of the parking lot. I yell at him, “Dude she’s in high school!” That’s when he goes, “SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP!” That’s when I lost it. I start yelling back “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!?”
My friends are like, “Meg do you know who they are??”
“No, I don’t give a DAMN! PISS OFF, BUDDY! I’M TELLING SABAN!!”
Friends: “Meg one of them is going to the NFL like next month.”
“I really don’t care. YOU’RE A PERV!! SHE’S IN HIGH SCHOOL!! REALLY YOU WANNA COME OVER HERE AND SAY IT TO MY FACE?!?!”
The exchange was much more colorful than that but you get the gist of it. Nick Saban literally scares me and I have no real reason to be afraid of him. I have no idea how I’d tell Nick Saban that his players were catcalling girls in the parking lot, but I thought that was a good threat to make since the man is terrifying.
We finally get back to the apartments (that I don’t actually live at) and one of the girls with us starts drunk crying. While everyone is trying to console her, I’m tryna find a bathroom because I AM GOING TO PEE MY PANTS. I’m up there by the door dying and no one is coming. My sorority sister has the key and she left to go get McDonald's. So I start knocking on doors. By the grace of the Good Lord himself, someone let me use their bathroom.
Luke Bryan is still in town and I fail to meet him yet again.
Sunday:
On the way to buy a new Macbook charger, I somehow broke both tires on the passenger side of my car. I broke two brand new tires and had to be towed less than a quarter of a mile.
All these Ls but none of them were Luke.
Roll Tide, though.