As Buddha says, "The trouble is, is that you think you have time." I guess I've always thought that, "I have plenty of time, I'll do that tomorrow." But the thing is, I've had to realize that I'm not promised tomorrow - no one is. As hard as it may be to say or do some things, I've come to see that the things that are the most difficult to do must be done because I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I never said something that I should have said. So, before it's too late...
I'm writing you this letter so that if tomorrow never comes and I don't have another chance to see you and hear you say, "My, my, my..." I want you to know a few things.
The bond that I have with you is far stronger than the bond most people could ever dream of having with their parent, grandparent, or, if they're lucky enough, great-grandparent. From the time I was little, you were the one who stepped up and offered to babysit me whenever grandma or my parents couldn't. You caved into my request to let me help you make your special chocolate chip cookies only to catch me licking the spoon each time I thought I was being so sneaky and wouldn't get caught. You watched hundreds of hours of Say Yes to the Dress with me on Friday night and even though you say you had better things to do, I know you loved every second of nit-picking each dress that was tried on. There are countless other memories I have with you from purchasing my first vehicle and hearing you say that we were now Ford Fusion twins to constantly hearing you say, "Speed it up, we've got places to be" while cruising down the back roads in your Fusion. But, my favorite memories of all happened all the time when I went up to your house, grabbed a few chocolate chip cookies, sat in the chair facing the west while you sat in the chair facing the east, and talked for hours about anything and everything. It was in those moments that I felt the most understood. I could really use more of your "let's evaluate things" talk as things at school and in life continue to get crazier.
I want you to know that even though you've told me multiple times I'm pushing myself too hard this semester, I think you might have been right, even though I always disagreed. But, I guess I did that because I didn't want you to think I wasn't strong enough to do something I signed up for.
I like to think of myself as pretty strong-willed and independent person, but you are so much stronger, far stronger than you give yourself or anyone else gives you credit for being. You're the person I've modeled my own inner-strength from. I don't know many people who could have gone through a fatal car crash only to walk away with a broken neck and survive, then a few years later be diagnosed with leukemia and recover once again, and now be diagnosed with colon cancer. You are an incredible person and so strong, I honestly have no idea how you've done it all. Maybe we're alike in that we put on a brave front for others when on the inside, we're struggling. I don't know for sure, but as your granddaughter, I've gotten to know you and I think I'm right.
So, I want you to know that it's okay to not be strong all the time. I'm here for you, the whole family is here for you. We all understand that you may have finally met your match and will let go soon of your fight sooner than anyone would like. However, we know that you'll be going home to God and Pops without any pain and that's the most important thing. It won't be the same without you when you do pass, not at all. There will always be a void in my heart and a longing to come see you and just hear your voice tell me to stop biting my nails or that you could use some of my cinnamon rolls. You have become far more than a grandmother to me, you're a friend and a good one at that. I'm so thankful to have been your great-granddaughter. I actually am at a loss for words of how to accurately explain how much you mean to me but just trust me when I say that I love you to the moon and back.
There are so many other things that I could tell you but I think you've gotten the idea that I love you and I'm thankful for each memory I've shared with you. I wish there was a way that we could still keep our promise of picking out my wedding dress together or having you meet and interrogate the man of my dreams. However, I know that you'll be watching down on me, guiding me through everything life throws my way, and making sure that I'm as strong as you have always been. So, if tomorrow never comes, know that I'll be devastated but will be at peace knowing that you heard how much you have meant to me.