Growing up I always thought of my Dad as a superhero. When my mom left he picked up double the responsibility to take care of my two brothers and I. He did everything he was supposed to do as a dad and tried his best to be a mother. However, as I got older I immediately noticed how different my life was from all of my peers. It started in 5th grade.
All of my friends at school would eagerly talk about how their moms are going to bring cookies to the class for their birthdays and help them with their class projects. I always felt left out because I couldn't relate. My dad was working more hours than ever and didn't have time to volunteer for activities at school. Even though I had my dad at home, I wondered if I was missing out on something. I wondered if I was missing out on some form of love only attainable through a mother.
In middle school, things seemed to be more confusing for me. I started to go through puberty. I was relieved when one of my aunts helped guide me through the phase. Yet, I still couldn't help but wonder if my mother ever thought about when these days would come for me. Did she question these things before she decided to walk out of my life?
During my middle school days, I also went through an angry phase. I was mad at the entire world but I couldn't seem to find the answer why. As I look back at this point in my life I realized that my confusion was causing me to be bitter towards everyone. I would always pick with my younger brothers and was constantly in a bad mood. My mother walked out on my brothers as well but at least they had my dad. Being the only girl, I understood I was missing out on a vital relationship. I felt as if no one understood what I was going through, It was a feeling that I couldn't express.
In high school, I started to have a different perspective on my situation. I realized that there were several other young teenage girls in the same situation. In addition to that my dad's sisters aided in taking care of me. These ladies made sure I had everything I needed. One of my aunts who I stayed with often even gave me my first job. I would clean the doctor's office which she worked at and save my money. My aunt taught me how to work hard and act like a young lady. In addition, I had my two cousins who I looked at as sisters.
I felt as if I wasn't missing out anymore. Slowly I began to stop thinking about what it would be like if my mother was with me. My sophomore year of high school my dad got remarried and I became really close with my step mother. The truth is I began to cope with my mother's absence in my life. I realized I would be ok without a mother because I had other women in my life who stepped up and guided me.
Part of me still wonders what my life would have been like if my mother was a part of it. I question if I would be as strong as I am if both my parents had raised me. I also wonder how it will affect me in the future. If I decide to have kids how will I know of I am being a good mother? How will I know what I am supposed to do? How can I be the best woman possible to my friends, family and future husband? These sorts of things worry me often.
Although I have many questions, I am certain of one thing. I know the woman I don't want to be. No one ever told me what it would be like growing up without a mother. The truth is there is no direct answer. Growing up without a mother is a continuous journey of growth and endurance. No matter how hard it gets you have to keep pushing to be the best woman you can possibly be. I now realize I had many mothers who shaped me into the very person I am today. Now when I look back, I wouldn't want to have it any other way. I have many women to thank for who I have become.