Today was the last day I kissed my dogs wet nose and patted her on the head. The last day I heard her whine for more attention and beg for more food. The last day I snuggled and got to play fetch. She was truly the only one who understood my pain, the only one that comforted me and kissed away my tears on those nights where I would cry myself to sleep. She was my rock, but unfortunately that rock just wasn't big enough to keep me moving forward.
Today was the last day I hugged my best friend and told her I missed her. The last day I said, "I'll see you next week," knowing very well I wasn't going to. The last day we sang and danced in the car together. She was the only one who understood what it was like to walk in my shoes, to have that constant anxiety and fear that something else was going to go wrong and that nothing was ever going to go right. She knew what to say when I needed her to tell me she loved me, but unfortunately those words just weren't enough to keep me from ending the fight.
Today was the last day I kissed my boyfriend and told him I loved him. The last day we spent driving around aimlessly, the last, "Text me when you get home so I know you're safe." Today was the last day he held me. He always knew how to wrap his arms around me just right, enough to temporarily block out the demons in my head telling me he doesn't really care even though he does, he does more than I will ever understand. His arms were my temporary shield from my life for the longest time, but unfortunately temporary was never long enough and the demons would come crawling back in after he let go.
Today was the last time I sat down at the dinner table and ate with my family, my parents, and siblings. Today was the last day we talked about how our day was and what was going on in our lives. Today was the last day I said, "goodnight, I love you." My family is my world, they always have been and always will be. They knew me like the back of their hand, they knew every crease, freckle, and flaw I had, but unfortunately they didn't know how my heart broke over and over again, how much I struggled every day to get out of bed and do something with my life, to pick up each shattered part of me and try to piece it back together before it was too late. They didn't know how alone I felt.
Today was the day I stopped looking both ways when crossing the street. The day I stopped wearing my seatbelt and stopped trying to get better. The day I stopped trying to fix all the things I have managed to screw up. The day I decided to stop being a disappointment. I no longer want to put on that fake smile that somehow fools everyone and cry in the shower just so no one can see or hear me. My demons are screaming louder and louder as each day passes by and they won't stop eating away at me. I'm tired. I'm tired of staring at myself in the mirror trying to convince myself to just hold on and be strong. I am not strong, if I was, I wouldn't feel like this anymore. I'm tired of being sad and hearing it will get better when in reality, I've been sad for years.
I've imagined my death a million different times and counted the days until my last breath. Will I fight for my life in that last moment or will I let it just take me? I thought about everyone I will miss, everyone I can't wait to see again when I am the better version of me. That was the only thing that kept me fighting for so long. But I realize now, how much better off they will be without me. How happy they will be without me constantly dragging them down or bothering them. I am nothing anymore but a face in a photograph and a memory that will slowly drift away. I am not pretty or interesting. I am just me, and that's just not good enough anymore. I am not good enough.
Today I got into my truck and drove to the nearest empty parking lot. I reached for the prescription bottle and emptied it into my hand. I took one last deep breath and swallowed. I rested my head back with my eyes closed and whispered to myself one last goodbye.
Today was the day I killed myself.
Suicide is real. It isn't because a person is "selfish" and is only thinking about themselves. It isn't because they want people to miss them or they want attention. It is a deep, dark thing that slowly eats away at their mind, telling them that this is the right thing to do for their loved ones sake, for their sake. I don't think people understand how hard it is to explain to someone what is actually going on in their heads and what they are truly feeling unless they have been through it themselves. You can be surrounded by everything in the world and still feel nothing at all. Thats depression. It's a real form of disease created by a constant voice in our heads saying it will be better off if I am gone.
Open your eyes and look around, truly look inside of the people you love. You never know who could be suffering. Save them and get them the help that they need and deserve, because we do not need to bury any more of our children. There is a suicide hotline you can call if you know someone who is suffering or you are suffering. Take that step. Please.
The bravest thing I have ever done was continue my life after I wanted to end it.